GAmedic
Registered
Magnesium Citrate is likely to be the vilest compound ever discovered. After research, I found that this atrocity comes in three flavors of Satan; cherry, lemon, and newly debuted grape. While at Walgreens, I only saw two. Cherry and Original (I'm guessing Original is really Lemon). There was only one bottle of "original" and it was sort of crusty (literally) so I opted for the secondary option of Cherry. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start from the beginning.
Being on holiday this week has been a wonderful and needed break from work. But, if you're not out of town on true vacation you eventually run out of things to do. The mind starts to wander and you think of arbitrary errands or tasks to perform. If no unresolved issue presents itself, one starts to think of really random shiz. My singular random thought was the realization that, recently, Accounts Receivable had outshone Accounts Payable.
Now this is a great thing in business, but not so much when it comes to the GI tract. As this is normally not the case for me, I decided to see what the local pharmacy had to help me out. Let me tell you, the selection is grand. But, they are all sorts of expensive and which one did I need? Softener? MoM? Clichéd Ex-Lax? Who knew? I certainly didn't. Most said they would work gently in 12-72 hours. I'm confused as ever.
Then I spy, on the bottom shelf, bottles of what seem to be old-school soda. I stand motionless wondering what resides in this retro looking bottle and why it's in the laxative section. I bend down and pick one up for closer inspection. The label reads: Magnesium Citrate Oral Solution - Saline Laxative. I had my answer so I began to investigate further. "Safe, gentle, works in ½ to 6 hours" and is only $1.99! No need to twist my arm, I'm in! Directions are to drink the full bottle along with 8 ounces of water and enjoy!
10:00 a.m. – I follow directions well. But, I add to them another 8 ounces of water as this stuff tastes like saccharin-y cherry Kool-Aid with a pound of salt added. My taste is handicapped due to my inability to smell, so I can only imagine what a delight this must be to *normal* folk. Keeping it down was a true challenge. Strike one against this stuff.
10:02 a.m. – whether it was psychosomatic or chemically induced by this evil liquid, I had my first bout. Normal stuff so I'm ready for round two.
10:20 a.m. – gurgling and round two! Softer and massive. I'm impressed!
10:50 a.m. – the Devil unleashes his fury! MY GOD! It's an ass-plosion of Biblical proportions! Explosive and NOTHING but pure liquid nastiness! Who held their thumb over the garden hose?! Great, now I have to shower. Strike two.
11:00 a.m. – 10:25 p.m. – I'm very surprised that I haven't died. 32 bouts and ALL pure liquid. At first, it was dark and morbid, but eventually it changed to red. I thought blood at first, (which wouldn't be a stretch since I could swear that by this point I've shat out part of my soul) but it turns out to be FD&C red #40. The cherry version is loaded with it. Lastly, it became clear. Pure water. This unholy brew has cleaned me out like a pipe snake. I feel violated. But I must admit it works a treat.
In the end, over 12 hours of struggle, 6 showers, lies regarding being gentle (safe is still in question), two dead rolls of TP and a ring of fire. Strike three.
MANY thanks to my girl for bringing reinforcements. Imodium and Gatorade are a MUST when embarking on this adventure. Of course, I didn't think of either.
Heed my warning. Do not imbibe this Drano for human-kind.
Being on holiday this week has been a wonderful and needed break from work. But, if you're not out of town on true vacation you eventually run out of things to do. The mind starts to wander and you think of arbitrary errands or tasks to perform. If no unresolved issue presents itself, one starts to think of really random shiz. My singular random thought was the realization that, recently, Accounts Receivable had outshone Accounts Payable.
Now this is a great thing in business, but not so much when it comes to the GI tract. As this is normally not the case for me, I decided to see what the local pharmacy had to help me out. Let me tell you, the selection is grand. But, they are all sorts of expensive and which one did I need? Softener? MoM? Clichéd Ex-Lax? Who knew? I certainly didn't. Most said they would work gently in 12-72 hours. I'm confused as ever.
Then I spy, on the bottom shelf, bottles of what seem to be old-school soda. I stand motionless wondering what resides in this retro looking bottle and why it's in the laxative section. I bend down and pick one up for closer inspection. The label reads: Magnesium Citrate Oral Solution - Saline Laxative. I had my answer so I began to investigate further. "Safe, gentle, works in ½ to 6 hours" and is only $1.99! No need to twist my arm, I'm in! Directions are to drink the full bottle along with 8 ounces of water and enjoy!
10:00 a.m. – I follow directions well. But, I add to them another 8 ounces of water as this stuff tastes like saccharin-y cherry Kool-Aid with a pound of salt added. My taste is handicapped due to my inability to smell, so I can only imagine what a delight this must be to *normal* folk. Keeping it down was a true challenge. Strike one against this stuff.
10:02 a.m. – whether it was psychosomatic or chemically induced by this evil liquid, I had my first bout. Normal stuff so I'm ready for round two.
10:20 a.m. – gurgling and round two! Softer and massive. I'm impressed!
10:50 a.m. – the Devil unleashes his fury! MY GOD! It's an ass-plosion of Biblical proportions! Explosive and NOTHING but pure liquid nastiness! Who held their thumb over the garden hose?! Great, now I have to shower. Strike two.
11:00 a.m. – 10:25 p.m. – I'm very surprised that I haven't died. 32 bouts and ALL pure liquid. At first, it was dark and morbid, but eventually it changed to red. I thought blood at first, (which wouldn't be a stretch since I could swear that by this point I've shat out part of my soul) but it turns out to be FD&C red #40. The cherry version is loaded with it. Lastly, it became clear. Pure water. This unholy brew has cleaned me out like a pipe snake. I feel violated. But I must admit it works a treat.
In the end, over 12 hours of struggle, 6 showers, lies regarding being gentle (safe is still in question), two dead rolls of TP and a ring of fire. Strike three.
MANY thanks to my girl for bringing reinforcements. Imodium and Gatorade are a MUST when embarking on this adventure. Of course, I didn't think of either.
Heed my warning. Do not imbibe this Drano for human-kind.
