Here's something I'd like to get off my chest.

[Revlis]

This is sad but it's something that changed me, one more building block of the Joy-joy person you all know as Revlis.

I got to thinking about it because I posted some Tool Lyrics in WWJDs "Dear Boss" thread.

It's been a few years now since it happened but it's still part of me, and posting up some Tool Lyrics brought it all back in a Rush.

Seth's favorite track was Eulogy... it was dark and sad in a way but it was something we'd listen to after work, driving around, or out in the field. Whenever was a good time to listen to tool and this was a favorite. I never thought much of it in terms of relevancy though.

Well, as some of you remember Seth Decided to snack on the Business end of his .357 magnum about 3 months after I moved to Washington from Florida... He had called me about 3 days prior to him killing himself and leaving the team and his two little boys to figure out how or what to do next. Being busy setting up a new life in Washington, I just didn't answer and decided I'd call him back later... I never got that chance, and of course I play the "If Only game"... Before I called Seth Back, I got a call from the "Shirt", long time army SOF First Sergeant delivering the news.

Seth and I were tight, we talked about everything I knew him very well. Out doing work in the field I knew what was coming or what he was thinking probably better than he did. Good or Bad He was my Bro, he always ALWAYS had my back, never let me down, and would have taken a bullet for me, and I miss him very much. We went through a lot of Shid together. It's been about 3 years now...

Seth is my third friend to off themselves... Yeah I guess I've got a special kinda charm,

and he's the 5th friend I've had die on me. Needless to say I haven't made any efforts to really befriend anyone new since then and having gotten my last remaining Bro Steve sent to Iraq (Contractor, he wanted to go so I worked a couple of contacts and POOF, he's doing OK... but man I worry about his well being) I'm a little stand offish. Might also explain why I am so completely out of sympathy or ability to give a crap about the "horror" we are fed in the media... Cold, callous maybe, but damn I think I've got enough to deal with already without being told how to feel about some poor bastids I don't even know. Sorry, fresh outta caring.

Anyway, needed to get that off my chest, quoting Tool lyrics of all things seems to be a really bad idea for me... I won't be checking this thread again today, not till tonight I've got work to do and I need to be able to see. Thanks for listening... If there was a Silver Lining, Seth had inherited about 2.5mil from his Grandfather a few years prior to his death that he never touched and it's still locked away for his boys. But it will hardly make up for no father.

So yeah... Again thanks for listening to my little pathetic tale of woe...

<div class="iF-Passage"><div class="QUOTEHEAD">Quote:[/Quote]<div class="QUOTE clearfix"><span class="quoteBegin"> </span>

Eulogy By Tool

He had alot to say.
He had alot of nothing to say.
We'll miss him. (2x)
We're gonna miss him (2x)
So long.
We wish you well.
You told us how you weren't afraid to die.
Well then, so long.
Don't cry.
Or feel too down.
Not all martyrs see divinity.
But at least you tried.
Standing above the crowd,
He had a voice that was strong and loud.
We'll miss him. (2x)
Ranting and pointing his finger
At everything but his heart.
We'll miss him. (2x)
We're gonna miss him (2x)
No way to recall
What it was that you had said to me,
Like I care at all.
But it was so loud.
You sure could yell.
You took a stand on every little thing
And so loud.
Standing above the crowd,
He had a voice so strong and loud and I
Swallowed his facade cuz I'm so
Eager to identify with
Someone above the ground,
Someone who seemed to feel the same,
Someone prepared to lead the way, with
Someone who would die for me.
Will you?
Will you now?
Would you die for me?
Don't you ******' lie.
Don't you step out of line. (3x)
Don't you ******' lie.
You've claimed all this time that you would die for me.
Why then are you so surprised when you hear your own eulogy?
You had alot to say.
You had alot of nothing to say.
Come down.
Get off your ****** cross.
We need the ******' space to nail the next fool martyr.
To ascend you must die.
You must be crucified
For your sins and your lies. [sic]
Goodbye...[/quote]

Kinda dark, makes sense in my head though. Buddy sent me a few shots from the Memorial, I couldn't make it...

 

[pbghost]

sorry to read stuff like this...had a cousin do the same (w/a 45) a few years ago, freshly married-no kids,ended the family name...on the outside he seemed to have everything going for him, but after the fact the "clues" were plain as day. I just can't see how it can get that bad, but everyone's different. can relate to the isolation, but for different reasons, no totally getting over it, but the busa helps alot

 

[JR'S BUSA]

I feel for ya Rev, I did not have a friend off himself, but my best friend died in a motorcycle accident on 10-12-04. I was lost for a long time after that one. Ended up selling my bike, got a divorce, quit my job etc etc etc. I still get choked up when certain events happen and what not, but I guess that is why they say, "what don't kill you only makes you stronger". I have to say my life is going alot better now, and somehow someway I have my best friend Alan to thank. R.I.P Lawerence Alan Conrad and R.I.P Revs' friend Seth and not to forget Vmans' friend Chad.

 

[Wag]

Never apologize for how you feel, bro. I understand completely.

If I could make any suggestion, whether you care or not, make sure you stay human. Stay in touch with that part of yourself.

Here's a big bear hug, if you need it.

(((Hug)))

--Wag--

 

[WWJD]

Wow, Rev. That's a definite thorn in the heart. Treasure the good memories of him, and remember everyone here loves you [platonically, you know] and your friends and families ALWAYS have an open ear.

As a side note, that song seems really depressing. Am I reading it wrong? You know, of course, I'm not a fan of "negativity" in music because of it's emotional effects. Got any tunes with the powerful, positive memories you could listen to instead? I've not lost a friend yet, but we age and more death occurs. Just got done on the Bernie Mac thread - 50 and gone. Our time here is a short ride.

I believe there is more to this universe than meets our eyes, and I know your buddy is out surfing in it. GodSpeed Seth!

Sorry, if I'm not very comforting Rev, - I'm not very good at these sorts of posts

 

[05 Busa LE]

That's a tough one; I know how it feels to lose someone close. I try to only remember the good times. Maybe visit his boys one of these days, and tell them some good stories about their Dad?

 

[Lycan]

We never really loose anyone, as long as we keep their memories alive in our hearts Rev...I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm glad you have this place to share these feelings. In time, the sorrow fades and is replaced by low volumed chuckles and a smile when you think of the goofy things he said or did, the eyes will still water from time to time right after that, but the smile will heal you and carry you becuase it will be his smile you remember too.
Be at peace my friend, and thanks for sharing....

 

[rlbowers3]

There was a time in my life that was very hard for me. I was having so much trouble at work, I couldn't seem to do anything right. I was at odds with my boss and we couldn't get over our differences. Being in the Army as well as deployed to Iraq it was not like I could just quit, nor could I be fired. I was told to "suck it up".
Hearing about these people that have taken their own lives prompts me to share this. When I was at my worst, I felt hopeless. I hurt. In my mind, in my heart. I couldn't sleep, I clenched my teeth so much that they started breaking. My hands shook constantly from the stress. Late one tearful night I decided to take Adavan to help me sleep. Peacefull sleep. I took one, two, three, ...and I stopped. I thought about my family. What are they going to do? I went and talked to the Doc.
It took several days to get things back on track but, you know, just the act of talking to someone helped me see the problems as less of a mountain and more of a mole hill.
I know it is hard. Nobody understands, I'm beyond help, it's too late, I have no way out, no other choice, etc. But others do understand. Just say something.
I know, because I have been to the edge, and I made it back in one piece, with all my marbles still in bag.

 

[99'busa]

here is the song. pretty good stuff

 

[Revlis]

Wow, Rev. That's a definite thorn in the heart. Treasure the good memories of him, and remember everyone here loves you [platonically, you know] and your friends and families ALWAYS have an open ear.

As a side note, that song seems really depressing. Am I reading it wrong? You know, of course, I'm not a fan of "negativity" in music because of it's emotional effects. Got any tunes with the powerful, positive memories you could listen to instead? I've not lost a friend yet, but we age and more death occurs. Just got done on the Bernie Mac thread - 50 and gone. Our time here is a short ride.

I believe there is more to this universe than meets our eyes, and I know your buddy is out surfing in it. GodSpeed Seth!

Sorry, if I'm not very comforting Rev, - I'm not very good at these sorts of posts

Thanks JD...

Yeah I know it sounds dark, suppose it really is, but there was always a twisted fatalism rampant with a lot of the folks we worked with. There was just an acceptance that you're already dead and dying, so why worry about it? The fact that you weren't dead was a pleasant and welcome surprise.

That sounds a lot more "billybadass" and twisted than it's supposed to, but it was kind of the mindset... Hell I still consider myself dead every time I get on board a plane just outta reflex. I haven't figured that out yet, but I'm always glad to get wherever I am going...

He also had my back 100% of the time and I was always there at his, accept when he probably needed it the most. I'm still carrying a lot of guilt because I wasn't there more than anything else. He HAD been there for me 100% of the time, in really hairy dangerous situations where there was a very real opportunity to die, to simply needing a ride home from the shop. Whatever it was he was there and would have taken a bullet for me and he knew I was there for him. Then within just a couple of months I am putting in my notice, house is sold, and I am on the other side of the country. Just like that, POOF! I'm out, he had always been there for me, and I was nowhere to be found when he needed a hand. I've heard all the "oh there's nothing you could have done" BS and it doesn't help. I wasn't there when he needed me, I knew he was going through a rough time, that he had been going through a rough time, and I just freaking left. I wouldn't feel nearly so guilty if I had still been living in Tampa and still on the team when he had smoked himself, but it was the fact that I was on the other coast when it happened that leaves me feeling like I had left him hanging.

Anyway, Tool is just what we would listen to while hanging out, working, doing whatever there was a lot of Tool playing. It was just the perfect soundtrack, and in particular Eulogy seemed fitting, it was Seth's favorite track. I dunno. Regardless of the lyrics and the darkness of the song it does remind me a good times with Seth, conversations we had, rides, etc. No it's not cheery, but it's still good for the most part.

So no worries JD, I'm not one for sunshiny and cheery lyrics anyway and yeah I'm not very good at posts like this either. I just figured hell, everyone else posts up all their tales of woe, I might as well get this off my chest a little...

Thanks Bro.

 

[Revlis]

There was a time in my life that was very hard for me. I was having so much trouble at work, I couldn't seem to do anything right. I was at odds with my boss and we couldn't get over our differences. Being in the Army as well as deployed to Iraq it was not like I could just quit, nor could I be fired. I was told to "suck it up".
Hearing about these people that have taken their own lives prompts me to share this. When I was at my worst, I felt hopeless. I hurt. In my mind, in my heart. I couldn't sleep, I clenched my teeth so much that they started breaking. My hands shook constantly from the stress. Late one tearful night I decided to take Adavan to help me sleep. Peacefull sleep. I took one, two, three, ...and I stopped. I thought about my family. What are they going to do? I went and talked to the Doc.
It took several days to get things back on track but, you know, just the act of talking to someone helped me see the problems as less of a mountain and more of a mole hill.
I know it is hard. Nobody understands, I'm beyond help, it's too late, I have no way out, no other choice, etc. But others do understand. Just say something.
I know, because I have been to the edge, and I made it back in one piece, with all my marbles still in bag.

Glad you made it back with your Marbles Bro...

It's hard sometimes to let some things go, the worst is the unexpected wave of Sh!d coming from nowhere, just this wave of emotions... Just posting up has helped some, I didn't really realize how terribly guilty I feel for leaving Tampa and leaving Seth and the guys. I don't spend much time with regret or guilt and I don't think I recognized what that feeling was/is.

Probably explains a few things.

Good luck man, stay strong, thanks for posting up.

 

[VaBusa]

*sigh* I recall you talking about Seth 3 years ago when you got the news Rev...I kind of wondered then if you'd ever be thinking about the "what if" stuff that runs through our minds when we're looking for answers for the things people do...

When the subject of suicide comes up, I'm always one to just feel nothing but pity for that person that opts to end their own life. Mike just gets pissed and resents them, calls them cowards and thinks they're selfish, but I figure there's some pretty dark and sad stuff going on to think that THAT is the answer to fix every problem in life, and I've come to truly believe that some are just chemically wired to find that a plausible solution. I've known a few victims of suicide myself, people that had it all, the money, the great spouse, the wonderful kids and the white picket fence, yet they opt to leave it all behind; nothing but "what ifs" for everyone that ever loved them.

In the end, I truly believe that it wouldn't have mattered what you did or didn't do for your bud...he would have eventually done it anyway unless HE realized that the path he was on would not fix everything, it would only take him from the equation...can't worry about the what ifs and you can't hold ill feelings toward those that opt to take suicide as a way out (I'm not saying that you do, just speaking in very general terms here). He was in a pretty dark place and I don't know that anyone can pull people from that; you're in charge of your own life and how it will affect others. Unfortunately, Seth didn't get to that point in time to be Dad to his kids or stick around to have your back, to grow old. He hurt and he wanted that to stop, whatever reasons that got him there don't really matter...

I'm just sorry for anyone that has gone through this...it's true that the biggest victims of suicide are those left behind...so many unanswered questions, so many what ifs...keep his memories close and just remember the good times, as difficult as that may be...

 

[WWJD]

Rev, as an outsider, I can say that we all make our own personal choices in life. You were living your life, he was living his. It was not your responsibility to cover him from a distance, EVEN IF YOU FEEL IT WAS. As an outsider, I'm telling you it is not even if you don't see it that way. Guilt is hard to deal with, I could see especially in this case. And I am sure you miss him deeply also. Nothing can cover or reduce this kind of guilt except time and acceptance and maybe just talking through it with loved ones. There is a lot of bad in the world and almost nothing is worse than when it hits not CLOSE to home, but AT home. I can't say I have experienced THIS sort of sadness, but I can tell you each new day you interface with all of us in society here and in real life, you affect some other people, maybe even random strangers, in positive ways you may never even know about.

From my experiences, I like to bring up all the great memories and how I had the opportunity to live with certain people I am no longer with, the joys, the great times and all that. Then there is the bad stuff. It exists and I have dealt with it and then locked it away in what I call my "Heart's Museum", behind a closed door so I don't have to SEE it all the time. But, I know it's there if I ever need to reference it - for future needs maybe or simple reflection - so it's not like blocking or ignoring pain, but dealing and keeping it on the proper shelf. A shelf that is not in front of you everyday, A shelf out of the way and hard to reach so you are not swimming in it. But you know it is still there when you need it.

So that's my take. Maybe if enough of us outsiders tell you over and over, it really isn't your fault, you will come to understand that it really isn't. We all make our own personal choices in life. I don't know if all that helps, but I hope so.

All our lives are mortal. cherish every day and everyone in your life.

 

[Revlis]

Rev, as an outsider, I can say that we all make our own personal choices in life. You were living your life, he was living his. It was not your responsibility to cover him from a distance, EVEN IF YOU FEEL IT WAS. As an outsider, I'm telling you it is not even if you don't see it that way. Guilt is hard to deal with, I could see especially in this case. And I am sure you miss him deeply also. Nothing can cover or reduce this kind of guilt except time and acceptance and maybe just talking through it with loved ones. There is a lot of bad in the world and almost nothing is worse than when it hits not CLOSE to home, but AT home. I can't say I have experienced THIS sort of sadness, but I can tell you each new day you interface with all of us in society here and in real life, you affect some other people, maybe even random strangers, in positive ways you may never even know about.

From my experiences, I like to bring up all the great memories and how I had the opportunity to live with certain people I am no longer with, the joys, the great times and all that. Then there is the bad stuff. It exists and I have dealt with it and then locked it away in what I call my "Heart's Museum", behind a closed door so I don't have to SEE it all the time. But, I know it's there if I ever need to reference it - for future needs maybe or simple reflection - so it's not like blocking or ignoring pain, but dealing and keeping it on the proper shelf. A shelf that is not in front of you everyday, A shelf out of the way and hard to reach so you are not swimming in it. But you know it is still there when you need it.

So that's my take. Maybe if enough of us outsiders tell you over and over, it really isn't your fault, you will come to understand that it really isn't. We all make our own personal choices in life. I don't know if all that helps, but I hope so.

All our lives are mortal. cherish every day and everyone in your life.

Well Here's the thing, I know it's not my fault, I mean I know being in Florida probably wouldn't have prevented him from taking himself out. (Which VA I do look at as a horribly self centered and selfish act much like Mike. It's cowardly.) But WWJD, I cannot get over the suspicion that had I been in the area it may not have even come to that. I was probably closer to him when I left than anyone, he was going through some hard times lots of what I suspected was PTSD, lots of anxiety and lots of anger. (Road rage incident, you know how WE always WANT TO RAM the A-hole doing whatever? Well he DID RAM the A-Hole) That was an interesting roadside discussion and egress.

But yeah, as screwed up as it is, simply posting up a little bit of details has helped somewhat I think. I actually just laughed a little remember the roadside egress. That was some all around funny stuff, wrong and indefensible, but funny.

Sometime I'll tell you about Seth Running himself over with the Suburban...

Your "Heart's Museum" does sorta resonate with me. I've been doing that for years, but I've been slowly bleeding off the bad stuff so I don't get overwhelmed and can still function without putting my own head in an oven.

Sorta my Heart's Leaky tire of bad Shid...

 

[WWJD]

thanks for posting up about all this, Rev, it makes us rememver we're all human in this ride together. knowing all our humanity makes this place that much tighter as a "family". bleed it off, let it all out. that is much saner that getting it all compressed inside to explode later. I love your leaky tire anology! to keep that tire functional while it leaks out the bad, fill it with the good, whatever that is for you: telling your wife WHY you love her so much, going for a solo ride, eating one extra cookie, shooting small animals.. whatever

 

[MO-BUSA]

Hang in there Rev

 

[Revlis]

thanks for posting up about all this, Rev, it makes us rememver we're all human in this ride together. knowing all our humanity makes this place that much tighter as a "family". bleed it off, let it all out. that is much saner that getting it all compressed inside to explode later. I love your leaky tire anology! to keep that tire functional while it leaks out the bad, fill it with the good, whatever that is for you: telling your wife WHY you love her so much, going for a solo ride, eating one extra cookie, shooting small animals.. whatever

Can I sacrifice a chicken to Johboo? Or should I swing by and pick up a Bucket of the Colonels Extra Crispy?

 

[WWJD]

I think the bucket of extra crispy would help you "purge" something faster than a sacrifice to Johboo

man, now, I'm thinking about dinner already. TANKS FOR NUTTIN! ...and there's a KFC on the way home...

 

[Revlis]

I think the bucket of extra crispy would help you "purge" something faster than a sacrifice to Johboo

man, now, I'm thinking about dinner already. TANKS FOR NUTTIN! ...and there's a KFC on the way home...

NO NO the Bucket of chicken was to sacrifice to Johboo... no way I could kill a chicken myself, I'm not that hungry. Speaking of which, skip the KFC, remember it smells better than it tastes... Though to be honest now it does sound pretty good. No No, Gotta go to Popeye's or no chicken at all.

But "purge" is right... KFC always makes me feel like I'm going to drop.