Sorry, have to let this post go.
<!--EDIT|RamminBusa
Reason for Edit: None given...|1145927656 -->
<!--EDIT|RamminBusa
Reason for Edit: None given...|1145927656 -->
Hey guys is it time to get rid of her?
- Thread starter RamminBusa
- Start date
TapRackNGo
Registered
Sounds like she is cheating to me bother. Write down all the facts and try to take the emotion out of it and it will be pretty clear. Best wishes.
wont wear her wedding ring??? WTF.......absolutely no respect or sign she wants to be with you....for that alone i'd kick her a** out. then again i dont know all the details and whatnot so dont go on my advice alone. if you've got the money, hire one of those pi guys to follow her around. im sure they can find the answer to your question. good luck man
Rammin...Gut instinct, which is worth what you pay forit, from having been there, is that your hunch is probably correct on something being amiss. There's an old saying that if it don't come easy...?
We have a way of convincing ourselves that something isn't what it seems because we want it to be something it isn't. Sounds like your already on the right track in figuring it out so try to start positioning yourself in anyway possible to make sure your "stuff" is in order when it happens. Chance favors the prepared mind and you will then be ready.
Remember time heals and lifes is truly too short to do crap like this.
We have a way of convincing ourselves that something isn't what it seems because we want it to be something it isn't. Sounds like your already on the right track in figuring it out so try to start positioning yourself in anyway possible to make sure your "stuff" is in order when it happens. Chance favors the prepared mind and you will then be ready.
Remember time heals and lifes is truly too short to do crap like this.
Chap 1
I was married to my wife for 13 1/2 years before I told her that I wanted a divorce. We had grown apart and were no longer each other's best friend. We had been miserable for a couple of years and I decided that was enough.
Chap 2
I moved in with my parents (at 33 that sux) and we started the process. I was the one that had the affair but things proceeded amiably. My parents lived a little more than an hour away so I was spending a lot of $$ on gas back and forth to work.
Chap 3
After a couple of months we decided that I should move back into the spare bedroom for financial purposes. With all the money that I was spending on gas, I could not afford to get the $$ together for an apartment.
Chap 4
Throughout the preparations for divorce we had to start talking again, child support, property settlement agreement, etc., we found each other and rediscovered the friendship that had been the foundation for our love and marriage.
Chap 5
We got a divorce and lived together for 2 years. We went and saw a marriage counselor both as a couple and individually. We both made some changes in our lives and personalities to put and keep us as our first priority.
Chap 6
In March of 2005 we remarried, 2 years and 1 day after our divorce was final. This past year has been the happiest and most fullfilling year of my life.
Now, did I go through all of that to "HO" your post or to make you feel bad that you are having problems, No.
The moral of the story is this:
(1)No matter how badly someone wants a relationship to work it takes two. You both have to want it.
(2) Life is too short to be unhappy.
You guys try to get some counseling if you really want this to work. Ask her about it.
Ironically, my education is in Psychology. Just goes to show you that even being a fireman, your own house can still burn down.
Just my $.02 worth.
Let us know if there is anything we can do to help, we are more than just a forum.
Don
<!--EDIT|usn04limited
Reason for Edit: None given...|1145796285 -->
I was married to my wife for 13 1/2 years before I told her that I wanted a divorce. We had grown apart and were no longer each other's best friend. We had been miserable for a couple of years and I decided that was enough.
Chap 2
I moved in with my parents (at 33 that sux) and we started the process. I was the one that had the affair but things proceeded amiably. My parents lived a little more than an hour away so I was spending a lot of $$ on gas back and forth to work.
Chap 3
After a couple of months we decided that I should move back into the spare bedroom for financial purposes. With all the money that I was spending on gas, I could not afford to get the $$ together for an apartment.
Chap 4
Throughout the preparations for divorce we had to start talking again, child support, property settlement agreement, etc., we found each other and rediscovered the friendship that had been the foundation for our love and marriage.
Chap 5
We got a divorce and lived together for 2 years. We went and saw a marriage counselor both as a couple and individually. We both made some changes in our lives and personalities to put and keep us as our first priority.
Chap 6
In March of 2005 we remarried, 2 years and 1 day after our divorce was final. This past year has been the happiest and most fullfilling year of my life.
Now, did I go through all of that to "HO" your post or to make you feel bad that you are having problems, No.
The moral of the story is this:
(1)No matter how badly someone wants a relationship to work it takes two. You both have to want it.
(2) Life is too short to be unhappy.
You guys try to get some counseling if you really want this to work. Ask her about it.
Ironically, my education is in Psychology. Just goes to show you that even being a fireman, your own house can still burn down.
Just my $.02 worth.
Let us know if there is anything we can do to help, we are more than just a forum.
Don
<!--EDIT|usn04limited
Reason for Edit: None given...|1145796285 -->
Are yoiu gonna miss her?
if there's no kids involved?...cut'er loose....asap.
Bending over backwards to ki$$ azz and hope ain't a relationship..it's a slow walk through he11...and some women love seeing how long they can keep a man on that leash...it bolsters their ego at the expense of your own personal self esteem/respect....and the more ya act like ya care and love'er so much?..the more they dig it....give her azz a wake-up call...tell'er to pack it in and cart yer shid over to Joes place...with a "cause we're done biotch" attitude...and she'll do one of two things...
1. Actually pack it up and move in with Joe or..
2. Break out into tears (knowing she's just been busted) and will then promise to regain her respect and love for you.
But either way?...whatever the above two outcomes are?...in the long and short run?..you win...and alls ya gotta do is man up and get'er done...if ya don't?...you prolong your own suffering.
JMHO and...L8R, Bill.
Bending over backwards to ki$$ azz and hope ain't a relationship..it's a slow walk through he11...and some women love seeing how long they can keep a man on that leash...it bolsters their ego at the expense of your own personal self esteem/respect....and the more ya act like ya care and love'er so much?..the more they dig it....give her azz a wake-up call...tell'er to pack it in and cart yer shid over to Joes place...with a "cause we're done biotch" attitude...and she'll do one of two things...
1. Actually pack it up and move in with Joe or..
2. Break out into tears (knowing she's just been busted) and will then promise to regain her respect and love for you.
But either way?...whatever the above two outcomes are?...in the long and short run?..you win...and alls ya gotta do is man up and get'er done...if ya don't?...you prolong your own suffering.
JMHO and...L8R, Bill.
Yes sir,gone like a mofo!
gsferrari
Registered
HOLD ON THERE!!
Speak with a lawyer without her knowledge. Collect all the information you will need so that the divorce doesnt end up splitting personal belongings her way. Transfer any assets that may be in her name to yours...
Do a lot of legal spadework to make sure you come out smiling.
Be careful...do all this without her knowledge. Confront her after all the work is done and talk it out. Perhaps she is telling the truth but you dont want to ask those hard questions until you are ready from the legal angle.
Get crackin...call that lawyer now.
Speak with a lawyer without her knowledge. Collect all the information you will need so that the divorce doesnt end up splitting personal belongings her way. Transfer any assets that may be in her name to yours...
Do a lot of legal spadework to make sure you come out smiling.
Be careful...do all this without her knowledge. Confront her after all the work is done and talk it out. Perhaps she is telling the truth but you dont want to ask those hard questions until you are ready from the legal angle.
Get crackin...call that lawyer now.
Brother, you have to do what is best for you. I think Don has put it best so far. Don't start reading into behavior because you are going to start identifying behaviors you "want" to see in order to passify your assumptions. As far as the wedding ring, don't get bent out of shape over it unless this is a new behavior. I just hit the 10 year mark with my princess on the 20th of this month and have worn my wedding ring exactly one day which was the day I was married. I am just not a jewelry guy. I wear a watch and that is it, not disrespectful and momma knows I bring her property home to her every night. If she has worn a wedding set for five years and now it is in the jewelry box there is an issue. Doesn't make her a cheater. Two things that destroy marriages are communication and sexual issues. Believe it or not these two will top money more than people believe. You need to get her to sit down and to get her to talk to you. She is playing the role of the stereotypical man here, not talking and keeping everything bottled up. Your post shows you are in love with her, if you follow some of the posts you may get which would be to kick her to the curb and go on a binge I think you would regret it whole heartedly. Talk with her and exhaust every ounce of energy until she walks out the door. This way you know deep in your heart that it wasn't a lack of effort on your part that caused this marriage to fail. We all have our shortcomings, it is our ability as a couple to work together and compromise in order to live and love one another till death do us part. Good luck brother...
Hold on... you said she is on BC. Some women that take BC have no desire for intimacy. Youmay want to stress to her to get to the doctor and find another form, or a lesser dose.
Here is an article from NY Times, science section:
"It is no secret that some women who take birth control pills lose interest in sex. They have been reporting this side effect to their doctors since oral contraceptives came into wide use 40 years ago.
Skip to next paragraph
John Cuneo
"Little by little, my boyfriend and I started noticing that I was just never in the mood. Never," said Cody, a 27-year-old San Francisco woman, who asked that her last name not be used for reasons of privacy.
Some studies have also indicated that the pill can decrease the frequency of some women's sexual thoughts, make becoming aroused more difficult, or decrease lubrication, making sex painful.
Yet the possibility that there may be a link between oral contraceptives and desire will surprise many women. Few doctors bring it up when they prescribe the pill, and package inserts do not mention it.
Doctors say this is not necessarily an oversight. Giving any clear warning about sexual side effects is difficult, they say, because birth control pills affect women in different ways.
"Some women will have a decrease in sex drive while they're on the birth control pill, and some will have an increase," said Dr. Paul Stumpf, a reproductive endocrinologist at the Newark Beth Israel Medical Center.
Now a controversial new study suggests that the pill not only suppresses desire, but can also do so for months after a woman stops taking it, by raising levels of a certain protein. According to Dr. Irwin Goldstein, a co-author of the study and the editor in chief of The Journal of Sexual Medicine, which published the report, the findings may explain what he has long observed in women on oral contraceptives.
"When they stopped taking the pill, we fully expected their sexual function to recover," said Dr. Goldstein, a urologist in Boston. "But we weren't seeing that."
Other experts question the idea that a single protein could have such a central role in women's sexual desire, and they remain doubtful that the pill could have a lasting effect. They say more research is needed.
"There's been limited attention paid to this area," said Dr. David F. Archer, a reproductive endocrinologist at the Eastern Virginia Medical School in Norfolk.
Some 11.6 million women in the United States - 19 percent of those 15 to 44 years old - take birth control pills, according to a survey in 2002 by the National Center for Health Statistics. Eighty-two percent have used the pills at some time.
Some specialists in sexual medicine say doctors should not prescribe a drug to prevent pregnancy without letting women know that it may decrease their interest in sex.
"I think there's been a serious neglect on the part of the medical profession and the pharmaceutical industry," said Dr. John Bancroft, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, who lives near Oxford, England. "We've been trying to bang this drum for quite some time." But some doctors who prescribe oral contraceptives said that if they were to discuss sexual dysfunction, they might influence patients' expectations, setting off the problem.
Dr. Bancroft's research indicates that at least one user of oral contraceptives in four has sexual side effects.
Dr. Archer estimates, based on what he calls the "very sparse literature," that 5 percent of women quit the pill because of side effects. A larger percentage may notice lowered libido, but keep taking the pill anyway, he said.
Sometimes it helps if a woman switches to a different pill, doctors say.
The effects on sexual function may stem from the effects of the pill on testosterone, which is thought to help drive women's sexual desire. Oral contraceptives block testosterone production in the ovaries and increase the production in the liver of sex hormone binding globulin, a protein that attaches to much of the free testosterone in the blood, rendering it inactive.
That protein is the one that Dr. Goldstein and his colleagues found elevated in women who quit birth control pills. The researchers looked at the records of 124 women who had visited Dr. Goldstein's clinic complaining of sexual dysfunction.
Some were taking the pill, some had stopped, and some had never used it. Those taking the pill had levels of sex hormone binding globulin four times as high as those who never used it. The levels fell in 26 women who had quit, but for at least four months their levels remained roughly twice as high as in women who had never used the pill.
Dr. Bancroft has found contradictory evidence. In a study that is under way, he has measured sex hormone binding globulin in women who have taken the pill in the past and has found their levels to be normal.
Dr. Bancroft plans to measure testosterone levels before and after subjects start taking contraceptives. In past research, measuring testosterone levels in the blood has not shown a direct correlation with sexual interest. "Women who have said, 'I have no interest in sex,' can have a serum testosterone level in the high normal range," Dr. Archer said.
Perhaps, he added, something besides testosterone is at work. Evidence suggests, for example, that the progesterone in birth control pills may alter libido. Emotions and personal circumstances also matter. A woman may lose interest in sex because she is under stress or because she is not attracted to her partner.
Dr. Stumpf compared sexual side effects to weight gain. Women on birth control pills often add a few pounds over the years. Yet many women who do not take contraceptives gain weight as they age, too.
It is the same with libido, he said, adding, "Sex drive has dozens of dials and switches and connections." "
Here is an article from NY Times, science section:
"It is no secret that some women who take birth control pills lose interest in sex. They have been reporting this side effect to their doctors since oral contraceptives came into wide use 40 years ago.
Skip to next paragraph
John Cuneo
"Little by little, my boyfriend and I started noticing that I was just never in the mood. Never," said Cody, a 27-year-old San Francisco woman, who asked that her last name not be used for reasons of privacy.
Some studies have also indicated that the pill can decrease the frequency of some women's sexual thoughts, make becoming aroused more difficult, or decrease lubrication, making sex painful.
Yet the possibility that there may be a link between oral contraceptives and desire will surprise many women. Few doctors bring it up when they prescribe the pill, and package inserts do not mention it.
Doctors say this is not necessarily an oversight. Giving any clear warning about sexual side effects is difficult, they say, because birth control pills affect women in different ways.
"Some women will have a decrease in sex drive while they're on the birth control pill, and some will have an increase," said Dr. Paul Stumpf, a reproductive endocrinologist at the Newark Beth Israel Medical Center.
Now a controversial new study suggests that the pill not only suppresses desire, but can also do so for months after a woman stops taking it, by raising levels of a certain protein. According to Dr. Irwin Goldstein, a co-author of the study and the editor in chief of The Journal of Sexual Medicine, which published the report, the findings may explain what he has long observed in women on oral contraceptives.
"When they stopped taking the pill, we fully expected their sexual function to recover," said Dr. Goldstein, a urologist in Boston. "But we weren't seeing that."
Other experts question the idea that a single protein could have such a central role in women's sexual desire, and they remain doubtful that the pill could have a lasting effect. They say more research is needed.
"There's been limited attention paid to this area," said Dr. David F. Archer, a reproductive endocrinologist at the Eastern Virginia Medical School in Norfolk.
Some 11.6 million women in the United States - 19 percent of those 15 to 44 years old - take birth control pills, according to a survey in 2002 by the National Center for Health Statistics. Eighty-two percent have used the pills at some time.
Some specialists in sexual medicine say doctors should not prescribe a drug to prevent pregnancy without letting women know that it may decrease their interest in sex.
"I think there's been a serious neglect on the part of the medical profession and the pharmaceutical industry," said Dr. John Bancroft, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, who lives near Oxford, England. "We've been trying to bang this drum for quite some time." But some doctors who prescribe oral contraceptives said that if they were to discuss sexual dysfunction, they might influence patients' expectations, setting off the problem.
Dr. Bancroft's research indicates that at least one user of oral contraceptives in four has sexual side effects.
Dr. Archer estimates, based on what he calls the "very sparse literature," that 5 percent of women quit the pill because of side effects. A larger percentage may notice lowered libido, but keep taking the pill anyway, he said.
Sometimes it helps if a woman switches to a different pill, doctors say.
The effects on sexual function may stem from the effects of the pill on testosterone, which is thought to help drive women's sexual desire. Oral contraceptives block testosterone production in the ovaries and increase the production in the liver of sex hormone binding globulin, a protein that attaches to much of the free testosterone in the blood, rendering it inactive.
That protein is the one that Dr. Goldstein and his colleagues found elevated in women who quit birth control pills. The researchers looked at the records of 124 women who had visited Dr. Goldstein's clinic complaining of sexual dysfunction.
Some were taking the pill, some had stopped, and some had never used it. Those taking the pill had levels of sex hormone binding globulin four times as high as those who never used it. The levels fell in 26 women who had quit, but for at least four months their levels remained roughly twice as high as in women who had never used the pill.
Dr. Bancroft has found contradictory evidence. In a study that is under way, he has measured sex hormone binding globulin in women who have taken the pill in the past and has found their levels to be normal.
Dr. Bancroft plans to measure testosterone levels before and after subjects start taking contraceptives. In past research, measuring testosterone levels in the blood has not shown a direct correlation with sexual interest. "Women who have said, 'I have no interest in sex,' can have a serum testosterone level in the high normal range," Dr. Archer said.
Perhaps, he added, something besides testosterone is at work. Evidence suggests, for example, that the progesterone in birth control pills may alter libido. Emotions and personal circumstances also matter. A woman may lose interest in sex because she is under stress or because she is not attracted to her partner.
Dr. Stumpf compared sexual side effects to weight gain. Women on birth control pills often add a few pounds over the years. Yet many women who do not take contraceptives gain weight as they age, too.
It is the same with libido, he said, adding, "Sex drive has dozens of dials and switches and connections." "
Deleted for personal reasons
<!--EDIT|RamminBusa
Reason for Edit: None given...|1145927690 -->
<!--EDIT|RamminBusa
Reason for Edit: None given...|1145927690 -->
Only know what you wrote up to this point, I agree that you should sit down and tell her this isn't working, and something's going to change real soon. Either you come clean and we try to make it work, or we end it now. Tough love, but those are the only two choices that I see. It'll keep tearing you apart, and, eventually, you'll become more of a problem to her because you'll suspect things when, in fact, they aren't happening. Sorry to hear all this, but I know what you're going through. Good luck, man.
Oh my. It does indeed seem bad. You seem to realize it is over, so start planning along those lines. Get some financing in order, a nest egg so to speak. Also, be very, very careful, since you stated she stopped taking birth control. It's possible she has a secondary supply. Hiring a PI would only add insult to injury if she is screwing around. The ring thing is alarming. Sometimes people do fall out of love and no longer care to be with their partner. In any case, good luck to you, keep a level, mature attitude, and look toward the future!
No wedding band and going to lunch with another dude? That's enough to kick her to the curb. No peice of a$$ is worth what she is doing. Oh wait, your'e not getting any of that either. Dude, wtf are you thinking? Get on the bike and go get some booty
It may sound cruel, but I agree you need to get YOUR stuff in order first. My gut, after reading your initial post is that it is time for her to $h!t or get off the pot.
2 major clues; She said she didn't miss you, and she doesn't wear her wedding ring.
Time to start thinking about yourself. Life is just too dam short NOT to spend it with your best friend.
Get things in order, confront her....either it is over or it's not. Either way, YOU have to get on with your life.
Good luck man...I do not envy your position.
<!--EDIT|mjn
Reason for Edit: "had to add sumthin."|1145816904 -->
2 major clues; She said she didn't miss you, and she doesn't wear her wedding ring.
Time to start thinking about yourself. Life is just too dam short NOT to spend it with your best friend.
Get things in order, confront her....either it is over or it's not. Either way, YOU have to get on with your life.
Good luck man...I do not envy your position.
<!--EDIT|mjn
Reason for Edit: "had to add sumthin."|1145816904 -->
Wow, heckuva a post. First, I am sorry to hear that you are having problems in your marriage, I can't imagine what life would be like without my wife. Here's what I pull from the post:
You love her, but think she doesn't love you. You suspect that she is involved with someone else (or well on her way). She spurns your advances ....
Stupid question, but have you confronted her about all of this? Ask her what conclusion she would come to, if you were the one with this behavior. I recommend you hit her with thoughts of going to counseling, so how she reacts. - she may very well take one of the paths thatthe Jinkster discussed. I hate to see any relationship go south, but when they do, seems like some of the worst things happen when we try to stretch them out. Good luck Bro. I'm sorry that you have this mess...I hope it works out for you.
You love her, but think she doesn't love you. You suspect that she is involved with someone else (or well on her way). She spurns your advances ....
Stupid question, but have you confronted her about all of this? Ask her what conclusion she would come to, if you were the one with this behavior. I recommend you hit her with thoughts of going to counseling, so how she reacts. - she may very well take one of the paths thatthe Jinkster discussed. I hate to see any relationship go south, but when they do, seems like some of the worst things happen when we try to stretch them out. Good luck Bro. I'm sorry that you have this mess...I hope it works out for you.
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