Diary of a Snow Shoveler...
December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails
and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a
Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best
idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and
the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to
worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is
such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l
wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's
car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like
hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.
December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I
had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess
I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took
all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too
busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white #### fell today,
and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to
shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I
think the ####### is lying.
December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of
the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did
but I think she's lying.
December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart
attack. If I ever catch the son of a ##### who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls
and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've
just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was
too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25 - Merry good time Christmas! 20 more inches of the god damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea
of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The
wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wondeful Life" one mor
time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting
on my nerves.
December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for
him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE ##### is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest
thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not
only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went
home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails
and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a
Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best
idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and
the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to
worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is
such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l
wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's
car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like
hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.
December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I
had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess
I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took
all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too
busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white #### fell today,
and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to
shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I
think the ####### is lying.
December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of
the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did
but I think she's lying.
December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart
attack. If I ever catch the son of a ##### who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls
and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've
just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was
too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25 - Merry good time Christmas! 20 more inches of the god damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea
of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The
wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wondeful Life" one mor
time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting
on my nerves.
December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for
him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE ##### is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest
thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not
only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went
home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
