More Jokes!

[WWJD]

I've decided I'm not laughing enough. Comedy movies suck lately, shows on TV are too lame and not even funny at all if you image the laugh track is not there, even Simpsons is in reruns... thank god for my Family Guy DVD sets or I'd be dead by now.

There always seems to be some quality jokes in the random section but it is running dry lately. PONY UP! I only get a few minutes to surf here on my break at work and THAT is where I NEED the humor to hit me most.

Whatever happened to the funny picture thread?

BRING IT!

Husband 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.

She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features she'd like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:

1. A "Yes I'll cook, clean etc." button.
2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.

I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.

Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing--all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.

Bug Warning
Husband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.

More applications that won't run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.

Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.

 

[MC MUSTANG]

 

[LadyHawk]

This is my favorite-est joke EVER...

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch? " The birch says he cannot
tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.

 

[LadyHawk]

one more... Just got this one.


The Flight Crew


The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc .

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."

"It's The Box Office."

 

[Haelo]

Nature and her innuendo are ruining the moral fabric of our country.

 

[LadyHawk]

Oh look what you started...

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a
little chat... "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in
our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother,
and said 'Here try these on.' So, she did and said 'These are too big. I
can't wear them' So I replied 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmm" says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on his
honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill "Here try these on."
She does & says "These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack says,
"Exactly, I wear the pants in this family & I always will, and I don't
want you to ever forget that." Jill takes off her pants and hands them to
Jack & says, "Here you try on mine." He does and says, "I can't get into
your pants." Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass
attitude, you never will.

 

[LadyHawk]

Last one... for a while...

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.





BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him



FASTER...


FASTER...


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.




However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping





clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.




With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.





Bumping and clapping toward him.


The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...








and,
















The coffin stops

 

[hayabusa4fun]

Subject: Indian wisdom


Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two Government officials sent by the President to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied . "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt , Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled . "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

 

[WWJD]

hahahahha good stuff! thanks

 

[Haelo]

(hayabusa4fun @ Nov. 16 2006,13:07) Subject: Indian wisdom


Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation,  smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two   Government officials sent by the President to interview him.  "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have  observed the white man for 90 years.  You've seen his wars and his technological advances.  You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.  
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your  opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for  over a minute and then calmly replied .  "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.  No taxes,  No debt ,  Plenty buffalo,  Plenty beaver,  Women did all the work,  Medicine man free,  Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,  All night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled .  "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Ahaha askldfjakl ahahahahahaha

Oh god, my internal organs are bleeding
ahahahahahahaa

 

[semi]

what is just two and a half inches long and can satisfy ANY woman every time?






keep






scrolling






do you know






?

 

[AlbanianEagle]

 

[semi]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace the retiring country doctor. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new Doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my Stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house"

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the  church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I saw the preacher under the bed."

 

[semi]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects:

               a Bible,

               a silver dollar, and

               a bottle of whisky.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher whispered, " he's gonna be a Congressman."

 

[Charlesbusa]

 

[mjn]

Just got this today......

Telling the Sex of a Fly



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
“2 were on the phone.

 

[mrmjpac]

There was once a very successful lawyer in the state of Tx. He won all his cases which were all very high profile. No matter what side of the case he was on, he won. One day he went out hunting. He saw some ducks flying over head, and shot one down, which landed on the other side of the river. Once he found his way across, he came to the spot where his duck was supposed to be and instead found an scrawny old man who was missing most of his teeth holding his prized duck. The lawyer told the withered man that the duck belonged to him and to hand it over. The old man told him "I will do no such thing, this is my property, the duck landed in my yard, and so this is my duck!"

The lawyer very angry about this situation exclaimed "Do you know who I am?!! I am the best lawyer in the state of Tx and if you don't give me that duck right now I'm gonna take you to court and whem I'm through with you, I will own this property of yours and all that you have, and have the duck too!!!"

The old man replied, "well thats all fine and dandy for where you come from, but here in this county we settle things a little differently. "

"Oh is that right" the lawyer said fumingly.

"Here we settle things by the 3 kick rule. Each person gets a turn at kicking the other person 3 times until there is a winner."

The lawyer checks out the little scrawny man from head to toe and says, "ok your on!"

"Good, since this is my property I get to go first." Just as he finished saying this the old man picks up his foot with steel toed boots on and nails the lawyer square in the &alls. The lawyer drops down to his knees with sweat and tears dropping from his face. He glances up an instant too late and another boot meets his face crushing in his nose, knocking out several teeth and almost knocks him out leaving him prostrate on the ground face in the gravel. The old man circles around the lawyer, locates his 3rd target and fills his stomach with a boot causing the lawyer to puke up everything that he had. After about 15 mintues the lawyer was finally able to gather enough energy to stagger to his feet. Eyeing the old man through his badly bleeding and deformed face he said, "ok old man, now its my turn!"

The old man laughed at the lawyer and said "nope, you win, you can have the stupid duck" and threw the dead duck at the lawyers feet and walked away.

 

[BiG-T]

I haven't seen this one around in a while....

<span style='font-size:15pt;line-height:100%'>Diary of a Snow Shoveler</span>

December 8:  6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.  So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.  I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.  This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect life.

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a  disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.  l don't think that's possible.  Bob is such
a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow lovely snow!  8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.  This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.  l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.  I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.  Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.  I think that's silly.  We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing.  Roads are too icy to go anywhere.  Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.   Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.   God I hate it when she's right.  I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day.  Goddamn snowplow came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.  I think they're lying.  Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.   Might have another shipment in March.  I think
they're lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't  melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today.  And it warmed up to 0?. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24:
6".  Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.   Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas.  20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.  Snowed in.  The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.  God I hate the snow!  Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot.  If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26:
Still snowed in.  Why the hell did I ever move here?  It was all HER idea.  She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30o  and the pipes froze.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50.  Still snowed in.  THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:
10 more inches.  Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in.  The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother.  9" predicted.

December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house.  No more shoveling.

January 8:
I feel so good.  I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.  Why am I tied to the bed?

 

[flrider]

Well it won't be long now!!!

 

[dtshortt]

A week at the gym, one of my favorites!

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a
Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to
her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
It all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the
other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh** too.



THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that b***h Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleading b***h. If there were a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted meto work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't
want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year, my wife (the other b***h), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a
root canal or a vasectomy