NEW RULES
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it
to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger!
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the #######.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge #######.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,deciding, no, I
don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic?!
I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying
to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's
next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called
"The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember
the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just
want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't care in the first place.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it
to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger!
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the #######.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge #######.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,deciding, no, I
don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic?!
I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying
to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's
next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called
"The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember
the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just
want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't care in the first place.
