SIMPLY FOR SMILES
I hate it when cashiers feel like they have to examine my money to make sure it is not counterfeit. If I could counterfeit money, I wouldn't be buying crap at the Dollar Store.
Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. There will be an express lane for people with 12 teeth or less.
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his gut.
"That's not going to help," she said.
"Sure it does," he replied. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
This morning I accidently used the dog's shampoo. I feel like such a good boy.
110 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today, everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh, how the stables have turned.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Philosophy is wondering if a Bloody Mary counts as a smoothie.
So, I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?"
I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet."
Everyone laughed -- except this one guy.
I never called you stupid, but when I asked you to spell orange and you asked me the fruit or the colour, it kinda caught me off guard.
Young guy: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Girlfriend: Flathead, Phillips, Robertson or vodka?
And, that was when he knew she was the one.
Never ask Google for medical advice. I've gone from a mild headache to clinically dead in three clicks.
Once you hit a certain age, you become permanently unimpressed by a lot of stuff.
Finally fixed that annoying sound in my car. I just opened the door and pushed him out.
The Twelve Commandments For Seniors:
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
#9 - Lately, you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.
