St. Patty days Jokes

[BenWoj42]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as
soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,

"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

 

[BenWoj42]

An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman.

"I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

 

[BenWoj42]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.'”

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one
large sausage.

Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”

Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
Of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble
we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”

Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!”

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk,
all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”

Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which
pub I lost the sausage in.”

 

[BlondeOnaBusa]

 

[busaprincess454]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as
soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,

"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

 

[Ranger]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle.

They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1,000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"



Wait there's more.



Moment's later, Seamus arrives at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis." Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"



It's not over yet ...



Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. . . And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding! "

 

[badazgtp]

 

[BIG GUY]

 

[jphilipson]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.'â€

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one
large sausage.

Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!â€

Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.â€

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
Of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble
we will be in? We haven't got any money!!â€

Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!â€

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.â€

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk,
all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!â€

Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which
pub I lost the sausage in.â€

that one is good lol