Tools Explained for the beginner...........
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you
were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until
you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects
in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles,
they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been
searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a
trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill
bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you
forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is
to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly
rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes,
but only while in use.
DAMNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling "DAMNIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you
will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally
in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our
every deficiency in foresight.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you
were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until
you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects
in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles,
they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been
searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a
trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill
bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you
forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is
to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly
rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes,
but only while in use.
DAMNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling "DAMNIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you
will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally
in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our
every deficiency in foresight.
