From my blog.
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The Men's Bathroom.
Okay, if you've never been to a men's room before, this is how it is.
When you walk in the door, you'll notice how quiet it is. Sounds are heard in descending order, thusly: Zippers flying up and down (if you can hear really well). Less frequently, flushing urinals and toilets. Less often yet, the sound of water running into a sink. Most rare of all, a paper towel being ripped from a holder on the wall. Notice what's missing? Conversation. Nobody is allowed to talk in a men's room.
That isn't to say it never happens. If two guys go into a men's room while they're in the middle of a conversation, they will pause, both will automatically assess whether or not there are other people in the bathroom and if they are the only two men in the bathroom, the conversation will resume. But only if they are really good friends. Rest assured, if someone else walks in while they are talking, the conversation will be put on hold instantly, to be continued outside the room. No man will ever strike up a conversation with a stranger in the bathroom and most assuredly will not do so at the urinal.
Absolutely under no circumstances, however, is a conversation ever going to be held if one or both go in to use the commode. That wall between the bowls is there for a reason and it ain't just to hold the paper rolls, either. No conversation is allowed through the doors or walls of the stalls!
This is why a man will never ask another man in the stall next to him for paper. He would rather whip out his pocket knife, cut his underwear off and wipe with those than ask for paper from another man in the next stall. He won't make a sound, either. The knife will be deadly silent in it's operation. Or if he can't keep it quiet, ie., he has to tear them off because he forgot his knife, he'll wait until there is nobody else anywhere in the bathroom so he can rip them off his body without anyone hearing him. If he's lucky, he's seated in such a way as to be able to still reach the toilet seat covers and use one of them. Who cares if it scratches the hell out of his [underside]. Better that than be reduced to begging for paper. Most of the time, however, guys will check the roll before they walk in so it's really a rather rare problem.
On occasion, however, someone will be in a hurry because he's cramping up or something stupid and misses that crucial step along the way. He's going commando and there are no seat covers. What he does behind that door at that point is between him and whatever god he prays to and then he'll wash his hands but you won't see him do it.
The only exception to the no talking rules is if a man brings his young son into the restroom and the kid is talking 'cause the old man hasn't properly trained him yet. Of course, the father will be highly embarrassed and that is why a man prefers to have his wife take the little kid to the bathroom with her instead. If he brings his little daughter in, it's even worse because they HAVE to use the stalls and they invariably have to talk in there to complete the job successfully and the poor father is double-whammied, having to talk in the men's room AND talking behind the door of the stall.
Guys are not allowed to make physical contact with another man in the bathroom. Even by accident. If a man inadvertendly bumps into another man while in the bathroom, both will look the other way and pretend it never happened. Which means it never did happen. Only girlie-men make any kind of physical contact while in a bathroom.
A man is not allowed to use a urinal next to another man unless there is absolutely NO other urinal to be used. If a man goes into a restroom and he is the only one in there, he is obligated to take one at the end of the row because if some other man walks in, he is required by law to take the urinal the farthest possible distance from the previous man. Yeah, it's written law. Go look it up.
If there are two men [peeing] at opposite ends of the row when a third man walks in, said third man is to take the urinal which is exactly between the other two men, thus maximizing the distance between all men involved. Ideally, if a man walks into a bathroom and there are men at every other urinal (every other urinal is not being used at the moment), he is to check the stalls first before using a urinal which would require him to stand next to two other peeing men. Either that or wait until someone leaves. And yes, since you're thinking it, all men's rooms are required to have an odd number of urinals. Whenever you see a men's room with an even number of urinals, you can bet it was designed that way by a woman who hates men.
At no time is a man to make eye contact with another man in a bathroom. This is especially true if they are at the urinal holding their [units] in their hands. You're not allowed to look at another man if you have your [equipment] in your hands, nor are you to look at another man while he's holding his [unit]. If you're both standing there, [gear] in hand, you are both to look straight at the wall in front of you and pretend the other guy isn't even there. Never, never, never sneak a glance at another man's package, even if you are curious about whether or not his [hardware] is bigger than yours.
Jokes about guys having any kind of conversation in the bathroom aren't funny because they are completely in the realm of fantasy. There are very few such jokes anyway.
The advent of automatic flushers has made a very important rule a problem. The rule is, when you walk up to a urinal, you're supposed to flush it before you start to [pee]. I'm sure that's to prevent splashback. Indeed, if the water stops running down the back of the urinal before you're done peeing, you're supposed to reach up and flush again. The idea is the keep the water going until you're done. Then zip up your fly and give it one more flush before you go.
Automatic flushers, however, have really [fouled] this up and men have begun to be pussified because of it. I've tried various ways to fake out the auto flush devices but have failed miserably. Besides, even if you can get the first preliminary flush going, it never lasts long enough. Stopping your flow, stepping back to get another flush and then stepping back up to the plate, bat in hand, is just not practical. Especially if there are other men in the room. Real men are becoming rather frustrated at a primal level because of this invention. You might be able to anticipate that men will march in the streets protesting this some day but there are still enough older urinals out there with manual flushers. A man can frequently find one just often enough to still his disquiet over this problem and make himself feel like a man once again.
And you never whip out your [gear] and wave it around so people can see it. Bad things can happen in your karma if you do. That's if bad things don't happen to your nuts because 6 guys thrashed you for exposing yourself and showing them your package.
Guys are not supposed to wash their hands after using the bathroom. The ones who do are pussified and you always know they have a wife or girlfriend outside the john, waiting to see if their hands smell like soap. If they don't smell of soap, the [wench] leaves the guy standing there at the theater, wishing he'd washed his hands and looking very sad, like he's going to cry. These are the same wanna-be's you see holding purses outside the ladies dressing rooms at the clothing store. Real men don't wash their hands and their tough [beyotch] women don't ask 'cause they know what answer they're going to get: "I didn't wash my hands because I didn't [pee] on my hands. What the [hell] are you worried about?!!!"
And that's what it's like in a Men's Room!
--Wag--
