Christmas Debacle - Need Opinions

[Vonderbach]

I didn't want to get into details, but I should elaborate so that it clears things up for those in doubt. It is my guess that my sister-in-law is jealous of my wife. There is much to envy, including her good looks and her career success. So the trouble that we have is not a two way street to be exact. Instead, we are subject to many berating comments and backhanded compliments. For the most part, we just suck it up. So it is possible that she is unaware how these comments make us feel, but at the same time I have to think she's some sort of emotional savant if that's the case.

For example, last year we gave them a gift for their baby that included a keepsake album for first lost tooth, first hair cut, etc. Her comments were "Ewwww, who gives that as a gift?" If a psychiatrist were to witness this, one might say that she was criticizing others to make herself feel better.

There's a tremendous amount more, but it's really unnecessary to explain, since much of it is one sided and very much open to interpretation. It has caused me to become distant from my family and I'm not very fond of the whole situation.

 

[DEMMYM]

"Ewwww, who gives that as a gift?"

I think everyone does ???

 

[Vonderbach]

I think everyone does ???

We didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary. ???

 

[DEMMYM]

We didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary. ???

My Mom had a book of things in it of mine that I dont even want to know what they are.

 

[Vonderbach]

My Mom had a book of things in it of mine that I dont even want to know what they are.

Let's hope she stopped short of first circumcision.

 

[DEMMYM]

Let's hope she stopped short of first circumcision.

 

[afterhours]

I didn't want to get into details, but I should elaborate so that it clears things up for those in doubt. It is my guess that my sister-in-law is jealous of my wife. There is much to envy, including her good looks and her career success. So the trouble that we have is not a two way street to be exact. Instead, we are subject to many berating comments and backhanded compliments. For the most part, we just suck it up. So it is possible that she is unaware how these comments make us feel, but at the same time I have to think she's some sort of emotional savant if that's the case.

For example, last year we gave them a gift for their baby that included a keepsake album for first lost tooth, first hair cut, etc. Her comments were "Ewwww, who gives that as a gift?" If a psychiatrist were to witness this, one might say that she was criticizing others to make herself feel better.
There's a tremendous amount more, but it's really unnecessary to explain, since much of it is one sided and very much open to interpretation. It has caused me to become distant from my family and I'm not very fond of the whole situation.

really?

that's what we are talking about?

sister in law is a hater, and you and your wife are falling for it....since you know her game, how can it bother you?

she sounds like my sister in-law...

 

[Vonderbach]

really?

that's what we are talking about?

sister in law is a hater, and you and your wife are falling for it....since you know her game, how can it bother you?

she sounds like my sister in-law...

That's just it, we're trying to ignore it by visiting with my parents (an otherwise joyous occasion) when they're not there. The wrench has been thrown into the gears when they decided to come at the last minute.

 

[afterhours]

That's just it, we're trying to ignore it by visiting with my parents (an otherwise joyous occasion) when they're not there. The wrench has been thrown into the gears when they decided to come at the last minute.

problem is, you are not. you are letting her effect your life, your holiday and your time with your parents.....

my brothers wife was the same way.

you will only take her power away when you truly do not care what she says

 

[Dino]

really?

that's what we are talking about?

sister in law is a hater, and you and your wife are falling for it....since you know her game, how can it bother you?

she sounds like my sister in-law...

I gotta agree with afterhours. Don't let it bug you. But I would have a field day with her.

For instance now that you know she is going to say something about a perfectly normal, and thoughtful gift, give gifts that send a message.

Here are some suggestions:

1) A Diet Cookbook

2) Wrinkle Cream

3) Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior http://www.amazon.com/dp/0393058743/?tag=hayabusamazon-20

That is just the tip of the iceberg. I know with the creativity I see every day on this board we can come up with dozens of suggestions to make this gathering a joyous occasion.

 

[Vonderbach]

I gotta agree with afterhours. Don't let it bug you. But I would have a field day with her.

For instance now that you know she is going to say something about a perfectly normal, and thoughtful gift, give gifts that send a message.

Here are some suggestions:

1) A Diet Cookbook

2) Wrinkle Cream

3) Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior Amazon.com: Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Freshly Updated (9780393058741): Judith Martin, Gloria Kamen: Books

That is just the tip of the iceberg. I know with the creativity I see every day on this board we can come up with dozens of suggestions to make this gathering a joyous occasion.

My god, I would have to install my brass balls for that. I love it!

 

[Busa1166]

Dear Abby,

Let's get one thing out of the way, my wife and my sister in law (my brother's wife) do not get along well. It is largely unspoken and it has never resulted in anything more than hurt feelings, since both of them realize that making a scene would only make things worse and make them look foolish in return. Obviously I take my wife's side of things, so I won't bore anyone with the details; let's just say there are logical reasons for the conflict.

Here's my problem. We made plans to visit my parents on Christmas Eve, a day that supposedly my bother and his wife had other plans. Since then, my parents have relayed this information to them and suddenly they are free for dinner. So what was supposed to be a pleasurable evening with my folks has now become a chore, not to mention the fact that I have yet to tell my wife. I am struggling with the decision to tell my parents how we feel, since in their eyes, it will likely seem that we are being shallow and childish. I am dreading this evening, but I don't want to punish my parents for what is obviously not their problem.

Anyone have any thoughts as to how to make this easier?

Ask your wife if she would rather do anything else maybe she has parents go over there instead What do I know I am single if there is someone I don't get along with I just go somewhere else never had to take anyone else s feelings into consideration

 

[Dino]

I didn't want to get into details, but I should elaborate so that it clears things up for those in doubt. It is my guess that my sister-in-law is jealous of my wife. There is much to envy, including her good looks and her career success.

With this post ^

 

[afterhours]

My god, I would have to install my brass balls for that. I love it!

drinking game:

everytime she says something negative or insulting.....you and your wife take a shot, a glass of champagne.....

also fun :

my sister and i would put a dollar on it....

everytime my sister in law would insult me, my real sister handed me a dollar, when my brothers wife she insulted my sister i handed her a dollar....

insult to my mother or father would double the bet and the next insult would get two dollars....

brother wife was usually equally *****y to all of us, so nobody ever really lost more than a couple of bucks....but if was fun.

 

[Projekt]

Bring Friends.....

My thoughts exactly!

Family is going to be family, the best advice I can give is to just let it free. If that evening develops into a *****ing session and people can't control their emotions it may just be better to air them out. Then you can let the parents judge whether they want to host a total family event again or just a partial one. Nobody, I mean nobody has a perfect TV family and we all have some kind of family saga we could share. Keep it real instead of the facade so people aren't left with the impression everybody loves to party together for the holidays.

 

[BA BUSA]

This is causing a problem between 'family'...y'all need to grow up!!!

This needs to be settled, go and see your parents...after the holidays...get together with you brother and the wives and get to the bottom of the problem. Be adults about it and put it ALL on the table, find out what is wrong and either become a 'family' or go your separate ways.

 

[Dino]

This is causing a problem between 'family'...y'all need to grow up!!!

This needs to be settled, go and see your parents...after the holidays...get together with you brother and the wives and get to the bottom of the problem. Be adults about it and put it ALL on the table, find out what is wrong and either become a 'family' or go your separate ways.

Please video tape this.

 

[Projekt]

 

[Vonderbach]

This is causing a problem between 'family'...y'all need to grow up!!!

This needs to be settled, go and see your parents...after the holidays...get together with you brother and the wives and get to the bottom of the problem. Be adults about it and put it ALL on the table, find out what is wrong and either become a 'family' or go your separate ways.

While I agree that this is likely the best solution for most issues like this, I think the thing that I fear most is being told that our feelings are irrational and that we're being silly, foolish, etc. I get the distinct impression that my folks and my brother specifically are largely ignorant (on purpose or not) of how she twists the knife. Not to mention that my sister-in-law uses her children as a negotiating tool with my parents.

I think this is one case where things are best left alone.....although my problem still remains as to how to cope with her. I think the general consensus here is to liquor up and jump in with both feet.

I admit this may not be the best solution if we want a long term relationship with this person, but the fact is that we don't. We tried to befriend her for a long time and we were shat on repeatedly. So it's not for lack of trying.

Please video tape this.

No worries, you'll see it on cops I suspect. I'll be the drunk guy trying to slur my way through a cop interview.

 

[BA BUSA]

In these situations WE ALL need to check our ego at the door and put away all of our fears.

Communication is the only way to resolve the problem...I don't know who started it, but by not talking and finding the root of the problem...it's only gonna get worse.