Having children-Good idea?

[Projekt]

Rev and the rest pretty much share my opinion...
I do however have the "five years and bail" experience.

I was married for five years. I was not happy and felt confined. She was always moaning about missing her family along with various other jealousy related issues. She didn't want kids yet and I didn't either, so I thought. Thing is that she seemed to be holding out for something else because I started to talk to her about accelerating our family plans and she was just not with it. Oh well live and learn.

Nowadays, I am supremely happy, have this better new life now that is on my terms and not at the mercy of a ball and chain. I could drop everything and leave for Tibet tommorrow if I felt like doing so, really I could. Phuk it, sometimes you gotta let your nuts hang.

Seems to me that you should go with your dreams and chase them a bit to realize whether or not they are worth it. So go find a job in , LA County, San Diego, Orange County, Ventura County, CA or near Miami, Ft Lauderdale, Tampa, Jacksonville, hell maybe even the Big Easy... Get your old lady to go check it out with you for a week or two and see if she feels what you feel. Then take steps to follow that destiny that you both settle on in that place you decide to live in.

Good luck

 

[Djv108]

Revlis-

Thank you for finally putting into words what I have been thinking all along!!!

I agree with everthing you said. I was beginning to think I was the only person who held these ideals.

So many of my friends married their high school sweethearts at age 19, had kids right away, and are now complaining about how broke they are, and how their wife is on medication. These poor SOB's work 60 hour weeks at jobs they hate because they are in debt created by their spouse's desire to have everthing she reads about in magazines and see's on TV. And their once beautiful wife in now mentally unstable and out of shape because she has no self esteem and says she does everything for the benefit of the children.

Whenever I go to the mall or grocery store and see the poor dudes pushing the baby stroller and their huge wife buying crap they don't need, I am so thankful I am not in their situation.

I know that not all marriages end up like the above scenario, and some people are very happy being married with children.

I guess I am not ready for kids, and if my wifey keeps putting the heat on me, I will have to explain to her that I do not share the same life goals as her. She will probably hate me and want to leave, and that is fine with me. Just wish there were other possible choices for us.

 

[Mr Brown]

(Djv108 @ Nov. 01 2006,12:51)  She will probably hate me and want to leave, and that is fine with me.

That said it all right there. A person as selfish and immature as that should not be allowed to have kids.

 

[thrasherfox]

(Djv108 @ Nov. 01 2006,10:51) Revlis-

Thank you for finally putting into words what I have been thinking all along!!!

I agree with everthing you said.  I was beginning to think I was the only person who held these ideals.  

So many of my friends married their high school sweethearts at age 19, had kids right away, and are now complaining about how broke they are, and how their wife is on medication.  These poor SOB's work 60 hour weeks at jobs they hate because they are in debt created by their spouse's desire to have everthing she reads about in magazines and see's on TV.  And their once beautiful wife in now mentally unstable and out of shape because she has no self esteem and says she does everything for the benefit of the children.

Whenever I go to the mall or grocery store and see the poor dudes pushing the baby stroller and their huge wife buying crap they don't need, I am so thankful I am not in their situation.

I know that not all marriages end up like the above scenario, and some people are very happy being married with children.  

I guess I am not ready for kids, and if my wifey keeps putting the heat on me, I will have to explain to her that I do not share the same life goals as her.  She will probably hate me and want to leave, and that is fine with me.  Just wish there were other possible choices for us.

anyway.. marriage and kids are what you make of it..  

I have seen women totally handle he whole wife / mother thing great, and I have seen women totally change.


My wife and I, we have three boys, two jobs, two houses.

She is not fat, still looks hot as far as I am concerned, she is not on medication. She is a strong women and handles everything life throws at her.

My sister, she is married, has 2 kids, doesnt work, just stays home while her husband (my brother in law) holds down two jobs AND is working on his doctorate. He is a college professor.

he handles EVRYTHING well, and she is stressed out and on meds.. which I dont get.. I dont personaly think she has anything to be stressed about..

I guess to me what it comes down to listening to you is that you are more concerned with what you want out of life.. not saying that is a bad thing or a good thing. just making a statement that your desires and concerns are more important to you than what your wife wants.

And from my experiance, when two people are more concerned with their spouses happiness than there own, those marriages usually do well.

but when two or even one person is more concerned with themselves and their own happines.. normally those marriages dont do so well..  and the harsh truth is kids WILL place more stress on a marriage. and it sounds like yours is too fragile as it is.

 

[tlrbandit]

I have 4 kids myself.


You are not ready for kids and your relationship is in need of help.

My 2 cents.


Oh, and there is nothing to feel bad about here, just some things for you to think about.

 

[heavybusa]

So a buddy of mine was in this same situation.

He is a career man at a financial institution 30yrs old, she was a teacher.

They had a great relationship, always happy, nice house, no money trouble, everything was good.

She had a strong relationship with her parents and he was cool with that. Everyone got along just fine.

After the baby, she loses that figure and decides to stay home. They start to have money trouble and he complains that the inlaws are riding his case and telling them how to raise the kid.

Eventually he is working 2 jobs, she is still at home on meds and even bigger. He no longer finds her attractive and she cheats.

They split and he gets and apartment, she continues cheating.

This is a high level true story and has not gotten any better.

Right now he is trying to determine how to get her out of the house and look out for his financial well being.

I can add so much more detail but you get the point.

Some are made for it others make a BAD decision thinking the things will change for the better.

In the end, you pay fiancially and the kid pays emotionally. Then I pay because you released damaged goods into the dating scene!  

 

[Djv108]

Heavybusa-

Thank you for your response.

That situation you described is exactly what I am afraid could happen to me. No one wins, and all because the husband wanted to please his wife, and the wife wanted to please her parents request for grandchildren.

And that damn "Ticking clock" that is always brought up. Do women ever get over the "Ticking clock"? Could it just be a phase for her?

 

[VaBusa]

It may not just be her parents, but friends that have babies, friends that want babies...women are surrounded by the pressure of "when are you having a baby" talk as soon as you say I do. I know I heard plenty of it and my husband and I were just enjoying our lives and time alone for a while...

I don't know that they get over that "ticking clock" either...if she wants a baby I doubt she'll just set those feelings and fears aside

 

[Revlis]

(VaBusa @ Nov. 01 2006,10:38) +1000 to what Mr. B just said, minus me wanting to yell at the girls

It's the old saying that you always want what you don't have, no matter what side of the fence you're on...and if you have so many saying "don't have kids" Rev, well, those are the ones that should have thought about it a bit longer before jumping in with both feet. I can't ever imagine saying that about my kids, ever, even on my worst day...kind of heart breaking to know people really feel that way to be quite honest...

I should have heard this one sneaking up... It's a touchy subject to be certain.

I've heard a lot of the "Life's Greatest Joy" stuff over the years and I can understand that. I can relate.

Having a parent tell me "Don't Have Kids" is Far more meaningful to me than a parent singing the standard issue "Glory and Wonder" song.

Funny that I hear this version alot from folks who are not having fun. You see it in their eyes, you hear it from their own lips. Then, as if on cue the "it's the Greatest thing" comes out.... Kind of strange.

No the friends I have had over the years tell me DO NOT HAVE KIDS all love their kids, and I would classify them as excellent parents. They have well adjusted well adjusted kids. I think they are just honest enough to look at things impartially and objectively when speaking to friends who are struggling with the kid decision to say "DON'T HAVE KIDS UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT KIDS." No hesitation, no deliberation.

What's bizarre is the folks that are struggling the most, scraping by working jobs they hate to provide for their families and kids are the first to sing the Kid song... I think it's human nature to put on a happy face, to project the air of "everything is super-duper" especially when we are dealing with discussions of chidren.

BUT I do know that Millions of Americans breed on a regular basis and seem to enjoy it just fine... The species is wired to WANT TO re-produce, it's nature.

 

[Schism]

it is what it is for sure! the pros out way the cons, but i'd have to honestly say it isn't easy by any means. i have a 5 month old and my wife and i have a strong relationship but lukas comes first. a "kid" will require alot of attention from you and your spouse. i am only speaking from my personal experience.

 

[dadofthree]

Three wonderful kids, lots of rewards. Didn't know it until they came along, but I love kids. Good advice given to me 25 years ago. " If you wait until you can afford them; you'll never have them. " With all the toys and things you mentioned, you're well beyond the afford part.

With marriage and especially kids it can't be about you.

I'm very concerned with your comment about your wife. She probably doesn't need you as much as you think. My 2 cents.

Good Luck

 

[Over_Easy]

Wow! Great insight from everyone and agree with just about all of it.

For what it's worth, Djv, I've been married almost 4 years. Before getting married I told the wife I would want to have kids someday, which she agreed. Keyword being "someday"...no deadline.

Things change...neither of us want to have kids at this point and likely will not. Parents are on our asses about it but we let them know we just aren't ready. Thankfully my brother had a child 2 years ago to win the horse race.

We didn't meet until we were almost 30 and there are soo many things we have wanted and still want to do. Travel (went to New Orleans, Hawaii and Chicago this year), buy a new sports car, a new home, my Busa, etc.

To an extent I admit we are somewhat selfish. I've seen the effects kids have had on other married couples our age and the time we spend with them and their kids has been the biggest form of birth control to date. Having said that, we also see the great moments between parents and children.

I've seen guy's wives geting pregnant "all of a sudden" when the husbands were not planning on it. Forced situation.

In short, you have to tell her your honest to God feelings about the prospect of having or not having kids. If she decides she cannot live w/out having kids then you need to go your separate ways...it's that simple.

 

[thrasherfox]

I will add this..

I am 44 and if for one reason or another if ever found myself single again and on the dating scene, I dont think I would ever consider having kids again

I love my 3 boys with all my hear and would give my life for them. But its kind of like "Been there done that"

My youngets is 8, oldest 14 and while I love them, the older I get the more I am looking forward to the day they sprout wings and become the men I have raised them to be so they can go forth and multiply... out of my house

The wife  however I dont think is looking forward to the day the boys move out. Probably afraid of all the attention I will be expecting and her no longer having excuses lol.. (insert evil laugh)

 

[vincent]

Don't know you or your wife so will try to not say anything about that.

However....

Will tell you the same thing I tell everyone else who asks this question

Put out a survey to all your friends and co-workers, including the ones that don't like you.
Not saying you personally shouldn't be allowed to breed, but we all know people who fit that category.

 

[GSXcite]

Lets see, financially secure, 2 bikes, new truck, house on lake, hmmmmm. Yes I would say adoption would be a good alternative, mabe an older child you could enjoy with your toys, say like a 56 year old child. Your in luck, I'm available, lets go for a ride DAD.

 

[AES]

(Djv108 @ Nov. 01 2006,08:01) Thank you to all who have replied so far.  I appreciate the comments and advice from experienced parents.  

At this point in my life I guess I have to make a decision of which road to take - stepping up and being a father and husband OR go out on my own and live the single life for a while longer.

If anybody has made the decision to bail out on a marriage after 5 years, and go the single life again, have you any regets?  Has it been better or worse?

I am not looking for something better, my wife is a good woman and would make some guy a great companion and mother to his children.  I really have nothing to complain about.  But the baby fever is coming on strong, and I am not ready for it.

So far, all the replies have helped me look at my situation in a different perspective.  Thanks again, and keep the comments coming.

I do not see myself having an affair or anything stupid like that.  Just looking for a companion who wants the same things in life as me.

i think to appreciate being single you have to have been married.

work on your marriage if you cant make that what it needs to be, get a divorce and stop pissing your life away. i personally would not recommend kids, you have too many other issues on the chopping block to even make kids a topic of discussion. if you decide to break it off lemme know Louisiana is hot as hell in the summer and only gets down into the mid to low 30s in the winter. never any snow.

 

[AES]

(Revlis @ Nov. 01 2006,13:57)

(VaBusa @ Nov. 01 2006,10:38) +1000 to what Mr. B just said, minus me wanting to yell at the girls

It's the old saying that you always want what you don't have, no matter what side of the fence you're on...and if you have so many saying "don't have kids" Rev, well, those are the ones that should have thought about it a bit longer before jumping in with both feet.  I can't ever imagine saying that about my kids, ever, even on my worst day...kind of heart breaking to know people really feel that way to be quite honest...

 I should have heard this one sneaking up...  It's a touchy subject to be certain.

I've heard a lot of the "Life's Greatest Joy" stuff over the years and I can understand that.  I can relate.  

Having a parent tell me "Don't Have Kids" is Far more meaningful to me than a parent singing the standard issue "Glory and Wonder" song.  

Funny that I hear this version alot from folks who are not having fun.  You see it in their eyes, you hear it from their own lips.  Then, as if on cue the "it's the Greatest thing" comes out....  Kind of strange.  

No the friends I have had over the years tell me DO NOT HAVE KIDS all love their kids, and I would classify them as excellent parents.  They have well adjusted well adjusted kids.  I think they are just honest enough to look at things impartially and objectively when speaking to friends who are struggling with the kid decision to say "DON'T HAVE KIDS UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT KIDS."  No hesitation, no deliberation.

What's bizarre is the folks that are struggling the most, scraping by working jobs they hate to provide for their families and kids are the first to sing the Kid song...   I think it's human nature to put on a happy face, to project the air of "everything is super-duper" especially when we are dealing with discussions of chidren.  

BUT I do know that Millions of Americans breed on a regular basis and seem to enjoy it just fine...  The species is wired to WANT TO re-produce, it's nature.

i think that the reason i would discourage kids in this particular case is because children need a stable home life with parents who love each other. here we have a guy that considers his wife a "roommate" does that sound like a good foundation to start on? It sounds like either a custody battle, child support or another broken family.

im not saying that you cant raise a child by yourself but it doesnt necessarily make it a good idea. little boys and girls need their daddys.

 

[Wag]

Just make sure you're on the same page before you decide to have kids. Or not, as the case may be. Even though it's brutal, I'll also suggest that SHE is the one who will decide if she gets pregnant. Proceed with caution.

My wife was unable to have kids. Adoption and surrogate parenting ended up being out of the question for many bizarre reasons. I'll tell the story sometime if anyone cares to hear it.

As we reached our 30's, we finally realized that life was much better without kids included. For us, of course. We don't disparage anyone else having kids unless they do it irresponsibly. But we finally realized that having kids is a dramatic change in your life and it's a huge commitment. We discovered that we were not willing to make the changes or the commitment.

We've been glad of it ever since.

But that's just us. I can't stress enough what I said in the first paragraph, however. Let us know how your conversations go and what you both decide to do.

--Wag--