lunch or drink w/ married EX...

[Over_Easy]

I am on excellent friendly terms with all 4 of my married EX's and normally we chat emails...

My apologies, I thought you posted earlier she had lied when it was actually people who had mistreated her.

Having said that, I must state it is very odd to me that someone is on friendly terms w/ all 4 of their ex's who are now married. I can only hypothesize that you are a genuinely good person who doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings but ultimately suffers from "nice guy syndrome." It looks like you were Mr. Rebound before they went on to marry some schluck who they now want to vent to you about at times it's convenient for them because they know you'll always be that NICE guy that is there. It's as if they are making you into one of their GF's to bounce stuff off of to get a guy's perspective.

I'll say this as well. If you ever get married and/or have a serious GF relationship they won't allow you to keep in touch with all your ex's. My wife would not allow me (not that I would want to) and I would not allow her. MOVE ON my man!

 

[UncleSteve]

stick a fork n your eye.........

the outcome will be better.......

 

[WWJD]

I am on excellent friendly terms with all 4 of my married EX's and normally we chat emails...

My apologies, I thought you posted earlier she had lied when it was actually people who had mistreated her.

Having said that, I must state it is very odd to me that someone is on friendly terms w/ all 4 of their ex's who are now married. I can only hypothesize that you are a genuinely good person who doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings but ultimately suffers from "nice guy syndrome." It looks like you were Mr. Rebound before they went on to marry some schluck who they now want to vent to you about at times it's convenient for them because they know you'll always be that NICE guy that is there. It's as if they are making you into one of their GF's to bounce stuff off of to get a guy's perspective.

I'll say this as well. If you ever get married and/or have a serious GF relationship they won't allow you to keep in touch with all your ex's. My wife would not allow me (not that I would want to) and I would not allow her. MOVE ON my man!

hehehe I like your style. Interesting analysis and thanks for the input. It's not NICE GUY that allowed my old relationships to end 'ok', but insite to what the relationship really was: two great friends with similar interests and activities, but, unfortunately different long term directions. So, break ups are matter of taking different paths, not suddenly hating someone you used love because of an event or heartache.

But I know what you mean about the nice guy punching bag. That ain't me.

If I was married, yes, it's true I would feel it was not right to keep secret conversations with EX's - my feelings - I didn't know if that was the general feeling of married people today or not. My morals keep me in the 40s or 50s and with how things slide, I wasn't sure. I truly am the savage in Brave New World.

Like I said, I am HAPPY to hear the feedback here and how most of it is against this sort of thing.

If this topic nudges you, post up your views

 

[Wag]

I've been married nearly 20 years and neither my wife or I have a problem going to lunch with friends of the opposite sex. I know I'm not going to cheat on her and that she's not going to cheat on me. She knows the same about me and about herself. We both have enough respect for each other so that if either of us wanted out or to have an affair or something stupid, we'd say so to each other first. There wouldn't be any sneaking around about it. It's never gonna happen, of course, but . . . there you go.

So, having said that, here is the most likely scenario:

After all this time, your ex realizes she's in a bad marriage and is just looking for someone off of whom she can bounce her feelings. You're probably not the only person she has contacted. It's possible she isn't thinking about sex, either, but she wouldn't turn it down if it came up as a possibility. Married or not.

Even though I go to lunch with women quite frequently including married women, I do NOT go to lunch with women who have baggage like you described. It doesn't sound all that heavy, don't get me wrong, but there is something strange there. I think there is a lot of potential for the situation to develop into something which causes her to get hurt as a result of such a lunch "date" and for that reason alone, I wouldn't go.

Just thinking out loud.

--Wag--

 

[WWJD]

yeah, Wag, I DO agree with you and REV about lunch being just lunch also. It DOES take TWO people to "ALLOW" something to develope, and because of how I am that would NEVER happen. I don't mean never as in "Gosh I hope it doesn't and then OOPS! I guess it happened. How did that happen?" That's lame and weak. I mean NEVER. That kind of thing does not happen to me because I think of it ahead of time and plan against it. It's not my way.

It might even do her some good if I restrict it to email. She's a big girl now and should rely on her S.O. for important things in life. If it's that important, she can discuss it in email. I know she is capable of that.

 

[Wag]

I would answer the e-mails VERY slowly. Wait a day or two.

--Wag--

 

[Procharger]

 

[BigDiesel]

first off-Procharger's AVATAR ROCKS!!!

*used to have the shirt*


secondly: I woulda NEVA, EVA, EVA, EVA, EVA! try to 'get-together' with old G.F.s-but mine is a very different situation from yours brah so I dunno.
I have a child by my FIRST ex, and my 9th...lets stop counting at that and just say I had the "A.d.i.d.a.s" syndrome...I know some'a my friends who are good pals with ex-Gf.s but seriously I dont see how 'brushin up on old times' in going to improve YOUR life any??? hers, Im sure-but this lil meet-up bodes as nothing more than a chance for her to tell you a)how wonderful her life is without you, which sux ba11s, OR b)how sukky her life is, and how much she wants to be with you, in which case you r stuk lookin like a moron any way you play it.

If on'a my ex's comes callin, I'm hiding from tha paternity suit...

 

[WWJD]

hahahah bigD good points. I stand to benefit NADA. I might be able to cheer her life up a little with some kind words, but it would be temporary and she should figure it out on her own by now.

 

[HT_USMC]

My first reaction is: Why?


Why would she want to get together for lunch or *cough* drinks? Does she need to talk to you about something from your past? Did you have a love child together you don't know about? If it's not something huge, why does she want to catch up after ten years?!


Why... would you feel like you should go socialize with her? Sure there is that curiosity of "how does she look now" and "what does she want to talk about". However, as any man who is single or otherwise knows, the invitation to have "drinks" is more than just lunch. There's something going on and she's already got your curiosity peeked. Don't get wrapped up in the spider web of her life again bro. You've been happy without her and you can wish her the best via email/phone.


Oh and a HUGE +1 on the "you divorced her for a reason" topic. I'd stick to that logic above all else - promises made or not. Integrity to yourself and those currently in your life is paramount and trumps the integrity you're worried about her seeing in you.

I personally would be leery of any drama or mental fallout from a face-to-face with her, if I were in your shoes. Regardless of what your decision is ultimately, I wish the best for the both of you.

 

[GSXRFANN]

I think that is actually the nicest I have ever heard REVLIS to be..LOL!!!

 

[zukracer]

if you trust yourself and you have a good reason to meet, do it at lunch, do it in a public place, nothing even close to romantic, keep it so that you have an escape route if you need one.

it could just be that she really wants to talk to you because its something you have specific knowledge about, or she really has no one else to go to.

Leaving it to email, is well impersonal but at the same time much harder to put things out there. Its been 10yrs, just trust yourself and go have lunch. Hell, if you are worried just meet her for coffee. Lunch can be just that lunch, just make sure you are prepared to walk away if the situation calls for it.

The best advice I've gotten on this type of stuff is this, "I've done a lot of things I regret but the things I regret most are not doing things that I wanted to do the most. If you are fully aware of any and all reprocussions of doing it and are prepared to live with any and all consequences, you should do it and have no regrets"

That could be anything, think it through and make a decision. Will you regret not talking to her or seeing her if her intentions are nothing more than catching up with someone that was a part of her life to talk? Hell who knows, maybe she won the lotto and wants to give you $$

 

[skoti]

Who cares if she has alterior motives? What do YOU want to do?

Simply because she wants something from you doesn't mean you have to give it to her. Just know where YOU draw the line. If all you want is lunch, go for lunch. As long as you trust yourself not to cross any line that you set for yourself then you are fine.

It is up to her to decide if it is appropriate for her relationship. There are many couples that are fine with their spouse going out people of the opposite sex, and there are some that would get jealous at an innocent email. Whether or not it is appropriate for the relationship really isn't any of your business, and isn't something you need to concern yourself with, IMO.

 

[Grandevil]

I think the only way to decide if it is okay is to talk with your current partner about it. It's something that can only be decided between the two of you because it's different for everyone. A good question to ask is how you would fgeel about your partner doing the same thing?

Me personally, I wouldn't like it, but I wouldn't not like it enough to tell my partner I didn't want them to go. I think a lunch is okay, drinks are more inappropriate, at least that's my opinion.

 

[ktw88q]

Just run or keep us updated with the bad events to fallow.

 

[Revvv]

Run fast, run hard, run the other direction.

There isnt anything needed to catch up on. She is your ex, she is your ex for a reason.

She is married.

And I guess the simplest way to put it, would you want your wife meeting up with her ex over drinks just to "catch up"

Change your phone number and address and dont look back




Well you asked for my opinion

My thoughts exactly.

Meeting can only mean trouble unless there is something significant that she tells you she needs to speak with you about. If there is something important then her husband will know about it and will be willing to come along if available.

If you had children and had maintained a working relationship over the course of the past 10 years the answer would likely be different. I don't think that is the case here though.

You yourself stated that she has a history of unfaithfulness. There is no reason to put yourself in that position.

 

[WWJD]

Reviewing my previous email to her, and I did ask her about what she's up to nowdays... not really that interested, just being polite and hoping things were going well for her life.... her reply was "not great but too much to email, lets do lunch or drinks"

I'm gonna email her back to say email would be best for this dialog, and mention my policy with married folks, but option her that if she REALLY THINKS it needs to be face to face I'll consider it. Maybe she's worried I might show her personal issues to MY significant other in email form?

OF COURSE, it would be a public place - it would never be some secretive thing. I totally trust myself. I NEVER "Fall" into stuff. I know how all that junk goes down and avoid it.

I'll post up the non-personal parts about how this plays out. I believe she just needs a friend's uplifting encouragement in life. That was always something I was for her. SERIOUSLY DOUBT she's looking for some side action.

 

[EarlyBird]

Watch your a$$!!! She maybe fishing!!! I have had X-girls do that...."Hey what you up too!!! Want to go out for a bite and talk about old times etc!!!" Be very affraid!!!

 

[Trucker Mike]

I've never met up with an ex where I DIDN'T end up roto-rooting her baby-shooter. If I didn't want to hit it one last time, I didn't meet them.

Are you prepared to ward off her advances if she makes them?

 

[3505panther]

I'm with Trucker Mike, both ex's have done this and it just creates a mess. So.... as he says unless you are interested in her, leave it alone.

My .02c