wife is confused

[LadyHawk]

(Southside Playa @ Oct. 17 2006,11:39) WTF makes a woman who seems as if she will ride or die with you wake up one day and think someone else is the answerto all of their problems and that you the loving husband/father are no longer worth the trouble.

First, I hope it gets easier for you. I can't imagine how turned-upside-down this is for people that go through it.

Second, I don't know what a woman thinks when she wanders astray.. but I DO know what a woman likes in a relationship.

They want to be your princess.

Seriously. That doesn't mean coddle them, bow to their every need. It means, make them feel like the most important woman that ever lived. Tell her she is beautiful, tell her that she rocks your world, give her a wink from across the room, grab a handful when you walk by. Never, ever, take her for granted.

Communicate: Ask how she is doing, and LISTEN to her answer.
Pay Attention:Ask how her day was, or how a project at work went, or how was the trip to the park with the kids.
Be involved: Ask if there is anything she needs, or how she is feeling about a certain situation within the household.

Men have this thing about going into themselves.. and forgetting to come back out. It's not the going into your hide-a-way that's the problem. The problem is the coming back out part.

I'm not slamming men. Y'all are very entertaining.

Us woman are weird too... but I'm trying to give you some insight into a woman's head.

 

[slimshady]

my thoughts are with you, even though i dont know you. this seems to be a very,very uncomfortable situation to be in, and i dont wish something like this on my worst enemy. there are some very good responses about your post, read them all throughly. but dont react swiftly, or say things you might regret. seek someone you know and trust that has wisdom. discuss it with them, and seek guidance. take sure,and solid steps. do not get violent, that solves nothing.this may sound crazy but stay away from intimate physical contact with her until this is all worked out because it to can send mixed signals and get you even more worked up emotionally.

 

[Aquaman]

Us woman are weird too... but I'm trying to give you some insight into a woman's head.
[/Quote]
I didn't know that there was any insight...

 

[VaBusa]

(brendanp @ Oct. 17 2006,12:14) Us woman are weird too... but I'm trying to give you some insight into a woman's head.

I didn't know that there was any insight...

[/Quote]
Watch it!

 

[Mr Brown]

Both of you, jj and S/S Playa know what must be done. Too many times people look to others, be it their friends, profesional therapists, family, whomever, to validate a decision which is ultimately theirs to make. My brothers, no one can make these decisions for you, we can all chime in saying "Well this is what I would do....." but all that is meaningless. All I can suggest is for you both to sit down, soberly think thru all the consequences of both choices, (let's face it, there are only two, either you're splitting up or not) and make the best decision you can. It is a bitch, but only you can decide what is best for you.
Know this: Your friends will remain your friends, your children will remain your children. I wish you both the best in the trying times ahead.
FYI, my qualifier has always been that I am able to look my son in the eye and tell him that I did the best I could for him, no matter what.

 

[VaBusa]

(Southside Playa @ Oct. 17 2006,11:39) It must be something in the f-ing water. Quiet as it is kept, tha playa has been going through the same shid, dayum near identical. Except we have a kid. Whether to stay or leave is a million dollar question, and I haven't a clue either.

WTF makes a woman who seems as if she will ride or die with you wake up one day and think someone else is the answerto all of their problems and that you the loving husband/father are no longer worth the trouble.

Sorry to jack your post bro, but I have been going through this for a minute, and I am starting to accept the fact that it may really be over, kid or no kid.

It is a hard azz pill, but I keep praying for guidance.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this too...you asked the million dollar question...you think you do all you can to be a good spouse only to find out life's not that cut and dry anymore and how do you fix it? If they had a book, I would have read it 100 times over by now...

I wish you the best in figuring it all out...it's just damn tough...

 

[jjbusa]

WOW, you guys are really like family . thank you for all your insight . theirs alot i did think of and im not saying i know what to do but i know im not going to wollow in self pitty and im not going to blame myself anymore you guys are right. dont get me worng i must have slipped somewhere but not to deserve this. i guess what kills me is im a firm beliver in what goes around comes around. i cheated on my high school sweet heart when she was with child then she had a miscarrige and left ,havent seen her sence. i knew one day i would get mine and its hard not to think that this is what i deserve.Guys i want to walk away i want to be matcho watcho and say go fug your self im out but my heart tells me wait and becareful and i am but i cant do this limbo stuff and its only been since last night but you guys are right the trust is an issue i know i can work through it but she is being to selfish right now. i want to tell her go he won but dont come back cause one thing i do know is when and if she decides to leave their is no coming back. my thing is im a cold hearted person when it comes to feelings i can shut people out im just scared to do it to her. the mest up part is i dont hate her (...why... i should huh)

VaBusa: your story gives me hope but we dont have kids and maybe i should walk away. im sorry to hear you went through this pain if not more but it seams you are a strong and thats awsome. (keep up the good work

)

Southside Playa: thanks for letting us in and thanks for understanding we ill get through this one way or another. the family here is way to tight to let us fall.

 

[VaBusa]

(Mr Brown @ Oct. 17 2006,12:27) Both of you, jj and S/S Playa know what must be done. Too many times people look to others, be it their friends, profesional therapists, family, whomever, to validate a decision which is ultimately theirs to make. My brothers, no one can make these decisions for you, we can all chime in saying "Well this is what I would do....." but all that is meaningless. All I can suggest is for you both to sit down, soberly think thru all the consequences of both choices, (let's face it, there are only two, either you're splitting up or not) and make the best decision you can. It is a bitch, but only you can decide what is best for you.
Know this: Your friends will remain your friends, your children will remain your children. I wish you both the best in the trying times ahead.
FYI, my qualifier has always been that I am able to look my son in the eye and tell him that I did the best I could for him, no matter what.

Very good advice...every situation is so different though the circumstances for many may be similar.  Some have a long history, kids, etc...no single person here can decide for you what's best for your situation.  I too agree that no outside influence will SAVE your marriage, but I can attest to the fact that for a time, counseling at least got us talking about things we didn't seem to be able to do on our own...it opened doors for a time, even if they eventually closed up again...all in all, it did more good than harm...

I am a firm believer in the decision I made to marry the man I did, so complaints aside, I think I keep striving to keep my vows intact and trust that he feels the same...it's just about the ONLY thing "old school" in my thought process, but having been a product of divorced parents, I kind of promised myself (and my kids) that I wouldn't put them through that if I could help it...that's just what worked for me thus far, not a solution for everyone...

 

[Devious]

There is a big difference between Southside Playa and jjbusa's situation...
JJ has no other tie to her than the time invested and the pain in his heart and his gut. I understand both are hurting just now, but you can start over clean. And next time, hopefully with a woman who will be as faithful as you are to her...

In Southside's case, there is a innocent child involved... So no matter how bad the situation is, the child's life, welfare, comfort and most of all, love, must come first...
Ahead of all the games we as adults play...
The child is here in this world because of both of you...
So in your case, you both must find a way to make things work for the childs sake...
As I did, once the child is raised by two loving parents, then do as you will.
So good luck to both of you...


David

 

[VaBusa]

(jjbusa @ Oct. 17 2006,12

) WOW, you guys are really like family . thank you for all your insight . theirs alot i did think of and im not saying i know what to do but i know im not going to wollow in self pitty and im not going to blame myself anymore you guys are right. dont get me worng i must have slipped somewhere but not to deserve this. i guess what kills me is im a firm beliver in what goes around comes around. i cheated on my high school sweet heart when she was with child then she had a miscarrige and left ,havent seen her sence. i knew one day i would get mine and its hard not to think that this is what i deserve.Guys i want to walk away i want to be matcho watcho and say go fug your self im out but my heart tells me wait and becareful and i am but i cant do this limbo stuff and its only been since last night but you guys are right the trust is an issue i know i can work through it but she is being to selfish right now. i want to tell her go he won but dont come back cause one thing i do know is when and if she decides to leave their is no coming back. my thing is im a cold hearted person when it comes to feelings i can shut people out im just scared to do it to her. the mest up part is i dont hate her (...why... i should huh)

VaBusa: your story gives me hope but we dont have kids and maybe i should walk away. im sorry to hear you went through this pain if not more but it seams you are a strong and thats awsome. (keep up the good work  

)

Southside Playa: thanks for letting us in and thanks for understanding we ill get through this one way or another. the family here is way to tight to let us fall.

Whatever you opt to do, do it FOR YOU.  Don't put up with games from her no matter what.  This is YOUR MARRIAGE and she needs to understand that there is no time to sit back and make decisions; she's not some high school girl and she needs to be an adult now.  She's either committed to you or she isn't.  The games will tear you apart, so put yourself first, bad karma aside and move ahead.  

I am certainly not strong and there are so many days when I feel like I'm the weakest person in the world for not walking away...it's just something I have to live with, I love my husband, wish he hadn't done what he did but not for a single minute did I blame myself for what he did...he just had things he felt he couldn't tell me, got caught up in the world wide web because it's so easy, found it was fun, etc...not making excuses for him because I think it just happens without good reason...

I do think, despite what some have said here, that we all make mistakes and we are all worthy of forgiveness no matter what the circumstances.  What's at hand is the question of whether or not she wants forgiveness and wants to move forward with you; only you will be able to find that out...

 

[PDBusa]

No kids involved, you can do as you wish, and live for yourself.
SSP,
Not that I encourage it as I have seen the by product of entirely too many broken homes. Remember you can be a parent without being a spouse. Sometimes it's better that way. Not easier, but better for the child/ren involved. It definately takes both parties to make it work, even more so than staying together. It is far easier to ostracize the other parent in front of child than sticking to the game plan. But, the Child must remain number 1, or everyone loses.

My .02, take them as such.

 

[Jet Li]

Well, John, sorry to hear about you trouble and my heart feels for you, Bro.

I have to agree with VA, (TALK TO HER). Get everything out in the open, what are everyone's expectations. See if you can use the fella on the other end of the keyboard for info about your wife, this could be valuable. Maybe for some reason she is telling him what she needs from you.

Remember, as others have stated, you are still young and have a long life ahead, don't get so bogged down in this situation that all that passes you by. If from your talking with your wife it becomes evident that she has written the marriage off and does not intend to commit wholeheartedly, you have your answer and direction. Move on.

You also need to talk to yourself. Aks yourself, "can I deal with the issue of trust or lack of, will this situation continue to loom heavily in the forefront of my mind?" If you can't move on from this, even if she does, a wall will grow between you both and all will be for nothing.

Again, I wish you nothing but good and a speedy remedy to your situation.

 

[heavybusa]

Hot topic here, I know a lot of people can relate and offer insight.

VaBusa is a great mind to lean on, with that being said my rule of thumb is that if it was ment to be if will work out.

Continue with your life, but do not revolve your world around hers. If you find that your visions do not align then make a move to be a better couple or move on to find you true love.

I personally would have a hard time trusting her, and being that she is young I would fine it even harder.

Above all else, go with your heart. No regrets.

 

[jjbusa]

her sister called me to let me know that the family wants to sit her down and talk to her. they dont understand what she is doing she says "a married women has no need for a male friend unless he is gay because it will cause trouble" now my thing is will she try because of them or because she wants me and only me. my head is all over the place and i i can do is think of ridding but i cant in this foggy state... i know i must seem laid back or even acting like a lil girl but i just want to try all i can before i close the deal.

 

[VaBusa]

I would highly recommend that all other family stays out of your business!! It's not going to help either one of you to have everyone knowing your troubles...this is between yourself and your wife and that's where it ends...

Tell them if they want to help, just take a back seat...

 

[BulletTrain]

(VaBusa @ Oct. 17 2006,13:11) I would highly recommend that all other family stays out of your business!! It's not going to help either one of you to have everyone knowing your troubles...this is between yourself and your wife and that's where it ends...

Tell them if they want to help, just take a back seat...

Absolutely!!!

 

[Jet Li]

Right on VA, right on!

This is between you and your wife. Keep it that way.

 

[KROOZER]

Hmm...Im having a little flash back. Been there and done that. Still divorced (9 yrs) and no kids, yes Im lucky. Here's the deal. Coming from a 39 yrs old and being realistic. (Lets keep all the macho stuff aside). These are FACTS:

1- In a court of law, cyber sex is not real and not considered cheating. At least in NJ.
2- If U have no kids, DO NOT have any now w/her. Use protection. Kids will only make things more complicated. Trust me on this please.
3- Always remember, U are a man. Generally, men have no rights, until proven.  Im sure the guys know what I mean. So if she says "I feel threatened by him being here, Officer" (u dont have to hit her) that means U R temporarily out the door.....even if U bought the house by yourself BEFORE the marriage and it is the only name on the deed, your a$$ is out. Be careful. Dont pi$$ her off.

Here are a few of my opinions/advice if U still have feelings for her and want to make it real:

1- If U can afford it, get counseling. Separate and joint sessions are good.
2- U may be feeling blue but do not get involve w/female friend. Doesnt look good.
3- This other man, brush him off. Not worth it. Remember, takes 2 to tango. If U work for the city/state/gov, this can jeopardize your job if U get JAMMED up. However, (Im only human) if U know his number/email, I would contact him (record the conversation/copy email) and let him know what he has done. Keep it clean and short. Remember, U R leaving traces behind.
4- Dont talk about this situation (dont bad mouth her) with too many close friends/family. If U decide to get back together with her, people will be like....look at this A-Hole getting back w/her. Just have 1 friend U can talk to. I know Im gonna get burned for this, but I know how some men may have a good female friend (no sex) who U can talk to....well I think is ok but dont get caught bcuz I know what people will be saying.
5-I beleive some people need to separate for a while so they can get thier $hit together. Thats ok bcuz if U are the good man U claim to be, then maybe she will realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

At last, if U think is all over, dont move back home. I beleive people need to be on thier own to analize the situation and see if there was anything that they could have done differently to resolve the problem. Some people also need to find thier identity. AND...dont be getting involve in another relationship right away. Give it some thought. Take a break. Listen to your heart. May I recommend a book...Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. No guys, Im not gay.

If U love something very much, set it free. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. If it doesnt, hunt it and shoot it  

 

[KROOZER]

I dont know anyone here personally but I must say there are some good input given by VABusa, PDBusa and LadyHawk.
PS: I know some cases where a woman has a good male freind and a male has a good female and it is accepted by the other spouse. No, Im not talking about swingers...get that out of here.

 

[tbonebusa]

(BulletTrain @ Oct. 17 2006,07:21) I'm the type that cannot get past cheating, which I believe this is. I've told everyone I've ever dated and told my wife to be that if they cheat on me ONE time (cheating meaning getting involved in any inappropriate way) it will be over immediately with no chances of working things out. I've had girls cheat on me. When they realize they screwed up they came back with the old "I made a mistake" line. Bullshiiiiiiiid! It's a decision, not a mistake.

Anyway, I'm getting married next month but if she done something that stupid the day after the wedding I would end it without as much as a flinch. The only thing that could even complicate the process (complicate, not cancel...) would be what Vabusa had to deal with... kids with the person. I can't say it would be so easy, but I will say that I don't think it would keep me from putting them in the road (her, not the kids).

I have NEVER cheated on anyone I've dated and certainly won't cheat on my wife. I expect the same in return, period.

Yup.....what he said. Lost trust is very hard to find again.