wife is confused
- Thread starter jjbusa
- Start date
You need to finishe packing that truck and get out. You don't have children with her to worry about, thank god. I hate to sound cruel but it is over and you know it. Next it will go from fatasy to a reality. She is going to cheat. I have been in relationships like what you are in. They want to leave then want to stay and you are a good guy and try to keep her happy. You love her and want to make it work, but you will get screwed in the end. Trust me. LEAVE NOW, you will be better off.
WOW there are a lot of opinions on this topic, I have read re read and read them again... Before I post this here is my disclaimer to other members. I do not intend to push my beliefs on anyone here or am I trying to influence anyone else.. This is what I would...... Assuming a few things
1. This is the woman you love
2. You realize everyone make mistakes
3. She hasnt actually cheated on you
4. No one here is going to do these things for you.......
I would sit down in a quiet place and ask myself:
1. If I love her and how much (hopefully your answer is that you love her until death, you probably spoke similiar words)
2. What are you willing to sacrifice or give up for the one you love so much? (probably everything)
3. Have I asked the people that know us the most and best what they see from the outside looking in... Guidance and direction is a great thing.......
4. Ask yourself -- Have I emotionally neglected her, forcing her to look other places for companionship (not sex, remember men are physical, women are emotional, they want to bond. Have you spoken her love language?)
5. How do I fix this?
Once I had made up my mind I would sit her down in a quiet place and tell her how I unconditionally loved her and that I was willing to do what ever it took to make the marriage work. She has to buy off on this, she simply needs to tell you that she is committed and that your love surpasses all problems, together you can do anything. Get your parent involved, your young and I assure you your parents have been through this before, no one knows you better than your parent, her parents the same for her.
If you can get her to agree that she loves you as much as the day you were married its almost time to take action......... If she says she loves you and is willing to fight for the marriage then go to the next step, if not, you cant make her love you and she has free will to make her own decisions, try to leave respectfully and maturely.
Next step........ Your not gonna like this and neither will a lot of the members......
Throw the computer in the trash, literally smash it with a bat, give it to the library, get it out of there....
Sell the busa, take a hiatus and show her what you are willing to sacrafice for her, she wants to see you fight for her...... Dont ask who the guy is, its irrelevant, he is just an outlet not the reason for her confusion, if you need to throw cell phones away, cut the phone off, whatever it takes, tell her what you are doing, be open, honest and up front....... No one said marriage was easy, as a matter of fact its hard as hell, I have been married 17 years and I ignored my wife and took her for granted for the first 7 years, I cherish her every day, I tell her every day, and I show her every day... I romance and date her today just like I did when we dated, I would never stop fighting for her............
Most people are married in a church because they have some religious beliefs, pray, pray pray, look for divine intervention. Get counceling, if your not into that kind of thing go buy the book Love languages and read it together.
There is always the bad though, right? Whatif whatif whatif after I do all these things and I find out she still wants a divorce or she went ahead and went with another guy... My answer is simple, you did everything that you could possibly do to show her that you loved and cared for her, you met her in the middle and you can always rest assured that while you wish it had worked out you have no regrets...... You can always buy another bike, you can buy another computer, a loving wife is priceless.........
OK guys let me have it now....
CAp
1. This is the woman you love
2. You realize everyone make mistakes
3. She hasnt actually cheated on you
4. No one here is going to do these things for you.......
I would sit down in a quiet place and ask myself:
1. If I love her and how much (hopefully your answer is that you love her until death, you probably spoke similiar words)
2. What are you willing to sacrifice or give up for the one you love so much? (probably everything)
3. Have I asked the people that know us the most and best what they see from the outside looking in... Guidance and direction is a great thing.......
4. Ask yourself -- Have I emotionally neglected her, forcing her to look other places for companionship (not sex, remember men are physical, women are emotional, they want to bond. Have you spoken her love language?)
5. How do I fix this?
Once I had made up my mind I would sit her down in a quiet place and tell her how I unconditionally loved her and that I was willing to do what ever it took to make the marriage work. She has to buy off on this, she simply needs to tell you that she is committed and that your love surpasses all problems, together you can do anything. Get your parent involved, your young and I assure you your parents have been through this before, no one knows you better than your parent, her parents the same for her.
If you can get her to agree that she loves you as much as the day you were married its almost time to take action......... If she says she loves you and is willing to fight for the marriage then go to the next step, if not, you cant make her love you and she has free will to make her own decisions, try to leave respectfully and maturely.
Next step........ Your not gonna like this and neither will a lot of the members......
Throw the computer in the trash, literally smash it with a bat, give it to the library, get it out of there....
Sell the busa, take a hiatus and show her what you are willing to sacrafice for her, she wants to see you fight for her...... Dont ask who the guy is, its irrelevant, he is just an outlet not the reason for her confusion, if you need to throw cell phones away, cut the phone off, whatever it takes, tell her what you are doing, be open, honest and up front....... No one said marriage was easy, as a matter of fact its hard as hell, I have been married 17 years and I ignored my wife and took her for granted for the first 7 years, I cherish her every day, I tell her every day, and I show her every day... I romance and date her today just like I did when we dated, I would never stop fighting for her............
Most people are married in a church because they have some religious beliefs, pray, pray pray, look for divine intervention. Get counceling, if your not into that kind of thing go buy the book Love languages and read it together.
There is always the bad though, right? Whatif whatif whatif after I do all these things and I find out she still wants a divorce or she went ahead and went with another guy... My answer is simple, you did everything that you could possibly do to show her that you loved and cared for her, you met her in the middle and you can always rest assured that while you wish it had worked out you have no regrets...... You can always buy another bike, you can buy another computer, a loving wife is priceless.........
OK guys let me have it now....
CAp
Everyone's got an opinion, but this one comes closest to my thoughts. Thanks WWJD. I'm likely to get flamed as well(WWJD @ Oct. 17 2006,00:25) Lot of great info here. But I'm still gonna throw this in and accept my healthy flames for it.
BE the MAN. If you LET her decide anything, it will all fall apart. Deep down she wants YOU to BE her MAN and make everything right for her. Tell her the other fake relationship is GONE. Date her. Show her YOU are the man and she doesn't need to reach out to someone else - YOU can provide all she needs. What is she getting online? An ear? Compliments? Unbacked encouragement? That's your job. Not that you are not now, I'm just saying.... fidn the missing element and replace it. I only mention this technique because very few consider it in the equasion.
"Well, I don't know honey... what do YOU want to do? " yields your manhood and lets it all fall away from your control. Grab the reigns, steer the boat, and HOLD the woman to your side and show her you mean business.
unless of corse you hate her, then kick it to the curb and move on
I won't wish you luck, but SKILL, because it is all in your hands as the man
While I'm of the mind that if you can't trust her, move on,
it sounds like she hasn't broken the golden rule yet, so she's probably just looking for attention (his or yours). Give it to her, Positive, loving and firm.
She's young enough that she's probably driven by emotion with little real understanding of the actual game here aside from pushing buttons. So... I'd guess it's a situation you could rescue.
Yes, trash the PC.
Nope, not the Busa, this isn't about bending over for her...
Do that and you'll set a precedent to live with for the rest of your lives together.
Keep family out of it, more attention for her crappy behavior won't help.
Make her understand that she has betrayed your trust plain and simple.
*** Make sure you come off looking disappointed in her, not crushed and confused about what to do about it.
At that age especially, most women like strong, confident men. Remind her that you are one, through your actions.
OH yea... the best way to save a relationship... remember to flirt like you did when you first met.
GodSpeed ..., trip
as one that was from the other end...trust me when i say...anyone looking for love on the internet usually has something wrong with them.. ie if they looking for love on the internet they have failed in some way in real life....they are carrying baggage or have faults in wich they can hide....when you deal with internet you are removing some of your sences that allow your brain to process and make decisions...touch, taste, smell, sight, hearing...all of these sences help us in a relationship to determin the "markers" that send up warning signals and allow us to make good choices based on past experience for what is good for us....remove some of these senses and we are "overloaded" with "controled" responses giving us a false sence of comfirt...only once in real life and in 100% contact do we recognize the "markers" and by then its way to late to realize again...why they were on the internet in the first place
Projekt
Registered
Yes excellent, had not read that. Good stuff actually, phug all the naysayers and their anti chauvinist commentary. If you care to take a stab at reclaiming that relationship you must be firm and chop away all of the confused wishy washy bullshid she is claiming to feel. In my earlier post I recommended that you not let her misbehavior bring down your manhood. Do this sort of thing and you'll feel like a phukkin king.(trip @ Oct. 18 2006,23:25)Everyone's got an opinion, but this one comes closest to my thoughts. Thanks WWJD. I'm likely to get flamed as well(WWJD @ Oct. 17 2006,00:25) Lot of great info here. But I'm still gonna throw this in and accept my healthy flames for it.
BE the MAN. If you LET her decide anything, it will all fall apart. Deep down she wants YOU to BE her MAN and make everything right for her. Tell her the other fake relationship is GONE. Date her. Show her YOU are the man and she doesn't need to reach out to someone else - YOU can provide all she needs. What is she getting online? An ear? Compliments? Unbacked encouragement? That's your job. Not that you are not now, I'm just saying.... fidn the missing element and replace it. I only mention this technique because very few consider it in the equasion.
"Well, I don't know honey... what do YOU want to do? " yields your manhood and lets it all fall away from your control. Grab the reigns, steer the boat, and HOLD the woman to your side and show her you mean business.
unless of corse you hate her, then kick it to the curb and move on
I won't wish you luck, but SKILL, because it is all in your hands as the man
While I'm of the mind that if you can't trust her, move on,
it sounds like she hasn't broken the golden rule yet, so she's probably just looking for attention (his or yours). Give it to her, Positive, loving and firm.
She's young enough that she's probably driven by emotion with little real understanding of the actual game here aside from pushing buttons. So... I'd guess it's a situation you could rescue.
Yes, trash the PC.
Nope, not the Busa, this isn't about bending over for her...
Do that and you'll set a precedent to live with for the rest of your lives together.
Keep family out of it, more attention for her crappy behavior won't help.
Make her understand that she has betrayed your trust plain and simple.
*** Make sure you come off looking disappointed in her, not crushed and confused about what to do about it.
At that age especially, most women like strong, confident men. Remind her that you are one, through your actions.
OH yea... the best way to save a relationship... remember to flirt like you did when you first met.
GodSpeed ..., trip
After you have the talk, tell her she needs to clean up the "PHUKEN!" house, sort the laundry and to think about her actions while she is getting things spic and span. Laugh it off with a beer in the garage or your favorite place. Then when she is done really work her over in bed, I mean really impress her...
Flame away.. you all know I could care less.
Works for my wifebeater wearin azz.
Doug, couldn't have said it better...
I was beginning to feel that most of middle-America and beyond think the answer to every problem in life is just getting rid of it...that only applies to the computer in this case, at least for now...trust me, I did exactly that and it's the best thing you can do...
thank you for eveything and i wish i could say we have come to a decision but we actually she hasnt. i know it messed up that im waiting on her ot come to the comclution but that will be the only i can get closure. the computer thing i wish i could get rid of her job puts her infront of one all day and sometimes with nothing to do but surf and talk to him. i have thought the same thing get rid of the phone and get rid of the email and the msgs but i will never know what she is doing at work for all i know she speaks to him from her work phone since she got busted. ive been going through the days slowly but surely . i wake up next to her and wish i could kiss her and tell her this will pass but its not me the one that should. but i broke down last night she was so depressed and and well i just gave in and held her and did the same this morning and she cryed saying sorry and she wish she new wat to do and she wrote to me when i got to work thanking me for that.lol i was so doumb founded but i just cant let myself do that again it took so much from me. i find myself growing colder instead of scared. i know 2 things can happed 1. she loves me and wants me and wants to work and we try and try and hope it works. 2 she too confused and she leaves me, i will be hurt even feel dead inside but i will move on with my life and keep moving forward. guys dont get me wrong I LOVE HER TO DEATH i do i will be their and support her through what ever but if its over then so be it i am not the typ that will continue to go back and miss you and sorry and lets try now. if we divorce then it ends their i have to for respect of me. CAP. i read your comment over and over and it meant alot to me but as you said im stading at the mid point right now and she is still walking in circles, i spoke to my parents they new something was up i didnt tell them their was someone else but i told them she is confused and scared as a man my father tells me GET OUT NOW. my mother says the same as many people and what i agree with meet her half way let her meet me the other half. her parent are going to sit her down tonight so they say and she is scared i know her parents arent going to pick side but if they do i cant blame them but they know im a good man i have always been their and never mistreated their daughter. all i need is closure i guess. i want her to say thats it all shat aside lets do this right or i dont think its going to work and we should split. wither way i cand move forward. Once again you guys are awsome thank you for everything and to all those that have opened their lives and their exp. thank you it means alot to know i may not know you but we are family.
Do you still LOVE her? If you do why are you letting HER decide? She obviously can't. You are the MAN, show her the way it should be - YOU decide - either keep her, or send her.
It could be the lack of YOU deciding that keeps her undecided.
Did your ceremony say "For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. And forsaking all others, be faithful only to [him/her] so long as you both shall live?" IF so, this is the "Worse" part. Work through it, grow closer, move on
It could be the lack of YOU deciding that keeps her undecided.
Did your ceremony say "For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. And forsaking all others, be faithful only to [him/her] so long as you both shall live?" IF so, this is the "Worse" part. Work through it, grow closer, move on
Sounds simple enough in theory, but it does take TWO to work through the problems in a marriage. If one is committed and the other is not, you will go no where...
You sound like you're one step from being that caveman dragging his gal by her hair to the cave my friend
BigDawg_03Busa
Registered
Man I know this is tough, but communication is the key!!! There is something missing in your relationship that makes her talk to this mystery man! You two should get counseling, don't give up on what you've labored for 61/2 years for man. Yes she is young, but that's no excuse she was old enough to say "I DO" so don't beat yourself over the head. If she loves and wants to be with you, she needs to avoid those infective single friends if they are encourageing this behavior. The old saying is misery loves company, birds of a feather, well you get the point. The bible says it only takes a little bit of yeast to work through the entire batch, so I'd guarantee there are the (2) problems. Something you may be neglecting and not aware of and single or miserable friends of the significant other. I pray it works out in the favor of all parties, be encouraged and don't be afraid or hesitant to ask God's advice, it's saved my rear end many times and lack of asking has gotten my rear in a bunch of snares also.
God bless,
Angelo
God bless,
Angelo
Aquaman
Banned Permanently By MC Mustang
as a man my father tells me GET OUT NOW[/Quote]
Your father is a smart man...
When any woman ever told me they were confused or scared,it was over. Period.
Ooh yea,she knows what she wants alright,it's just not you.
And I am not happy to say this,and please do not take it wrong...
I just know how it goes. Sorry dude.
BTW,you'd be surprized how good "you" can feel when you are in love with a new woman...
It's working for her.
Your father is a smart man...
When any woman ever told me they were confused or scared,it was over. Period.
Ooh yea,she knows what she wants alright,it's just not you.
And I am not happy to say this,and please do not take it wrong...
I just know how it goes. Sorry dude.
BTW,you'd be surprized how good "you" can feel when you are in love with a new woman...
It's working for her.
Man, you're in a tough spot.
Years ago, I thought of what I would say to my wife if a similar circumstance wer to arise. Thank all that's good that I never had to use it. It goes like this: "I love you enough to not want you to be unhappy with me. If you're happier with another man, go be with him and I'll be happy that you're happy."
It's a bit of a guilt trip which is not necessarily good but the fact is, it's genuinely true.
Over the past few years, I've become convinced that getting married too young is a jmajor problem. There's not a lot you can do in your case except understand the problem. I suspect that the two of you hadn't done much dating of other people before you got married. Now, the curiosity factor is arising and making you curious about what you may have missed out on.
Counselling is often considered the last exit before toll. It has, however, saved a lot of marriages. My own, for example.
Your wife is committing an act of infidelity against you and hard as it is to face, you're going to have to make a decision. Share her with this guy or leave her. I don't think you should pushed by her into a marriage of this kind where you are the one who has to suppress your feelings and emotions so that she can indulge her little fantasies about another man.
I really feel for ya, bro. I hope you can work this out for the better, whichever decision you make.
--Wag--
This is a very common guilt ploy we play on ourselves. It eliminates any credit you have available to yourself for a lesson learned. What? You think the self punishment and guilt you had the first time around wasn't enough so you have to have it again?
Please don't think like this. It will prevent you from doing what you need to do, whether it's to get out or stay in. It will emasculate you and your ability to work out the right solution to your problem.
--Wag--
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