Like a couple of others have said. Your spouse must be your best friend first and foremost. If she is not, the everything else suffers.
Don
Don
You propose on a saturday, then the next day....??
- Thread starter redkat05
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dudewizr
Registered
Oh don't sweta it man. Those late night mind changes comin' on all of a sudden is hust probably her gettin' the chance to tie up some loose ends before gettin' shackled up. And if the ring is the bond holding your relationship together then bail now! If she's not prepared to submit to you then kick it loose dude RIGHT NOW! I know it's bitter to hear this but it will sure beat these other 2 statements. #1. Your bill (attorney fees) come too. and #2. Divorce granted.
mrninja9
Banned
man lot of good advice here i stand by them all if your ring is the only thing holding you 2 together take it back now...i did the marriage i thought was going to work aaaaaahhhhhhhhh wrong it didnt so take some advice and talk with her now and not later lawyers are not cheap and you guys get married she can take you for half even the bike
My wife was like that when we first got together . Communication !!! I had to lay down the law and tell her that we were a couple and partying as an individual wasn't cool anymore . Just let her know how U feel !
Now it's 13 years and 4 kids later and I wouldn't trade it for the world ! I just had to straighten her out a little in the beginning !
Now it's 13 years and 4 kids later and I wouldn't trade it for the world ! I just had to straighten her out a little in the beginning !
Red, a really close friend of mine - all the way back from 4th grade - went through almost the same situation and when he flew into Orlando on business he even made the drive to Tampa to discuss his similar engagement situation w/ me and my wife. We told him the same I'll tell you, "Either postpone the engagement or simply get out now." He's very glad he got out because he knew he would have just been digging a deeper hole to try and get out of.
Lots of good advice here and it looks like you already know what to do but you need some people to give you a push into doing what you know is probably the right thing.
My wife and I have an extremely solid relationship - best friends, trusting, open communication, etc. - and all of our friends come to us w/ their relationship problems and seek our advice because they see this in our marriage.
I would strongly recommend you at least postpone the engagement and have a come to Jesus meeting to discuss the issues you both have w/out blame or accusation. Don't be afraid to set some ground rules before discussing (NO yelling, storming out of the room, bringing up bad blood not pertinent to the conversation, etc.).
From the initial stories she acted more like 17 than 27. Her actions are a clear sign of NO respect and that is something that will doubtfully change. Her first priority should be to you not some random text message for one last round at the bar...and then to ask if you mind her going by herself!!! That's just downright disrespectful and the sad thing is she is going to accuse you of being some overbearring ogre if you say otherwise because she obviously doesn't understand that your first priority in a marriage is your spouse and/or kids...even over your brother,sister,parents,cousin, etc. in an apples to apples situation.
Your marriage should be the beginning of new life for the two of you alone. Not to say you leave everyone behind but your spouse is priority one.
I dated a girl like that and got out, probably later than I should have. On occassion my wife goes out on the town w/ the girls and I know she is going to be hit on by lots of guys because she is definitely a headturner in the crowd. But I have seen first hand how she handles a guy who is hitting on her when he knows she is married. My wife loses all respect for guys or girls who have cheated on their spouse. She has even lost some close girlfriends over this. All I ask is for her to call me before she goes to bed to let me know she is alright or in an emergency situation.
Sorry if I went on about the wife, but it sounds like you are trying to build on a very shaky foundation and it's doubtful she will do a 360 and become the ideal wife you want her to be. It will only feel worse when she is your wife and does this.
I hate to see couples go through this kind of thing but such is life. Feel free to PM me and good luck with whatever you decide.
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Lots of good advice here and it looks like you already know what to do but you need some people to give you a push into doing what you know is probably the right thing.
My wife and I have an extremely solid relationship - best friends, trusting, open communication, etc. - and all of our friends come to us w/ their relationship problems and seek our advice because they see this in our marriage.
I would strongly recommend you at least postpone the engagement and have a come to Jesus meeting to discuss the issues you both have w/out blame or accusation. Don't be afraid to set some ground rules before discussing (NO yelling, storming out of the room, bringing up bad blood not pertinent to the conversation, etc.).
From the initial stories she acted more like 17 than 27. Her actions are a clear sign of NO respect and that is something that will doubtfully change. Her first priority should be to you not some random text message for one last round at the bar...and then to ask if you mind her going by herself!!! That's just downright disrespectful and the sad thing is she is going to accuse you of being some overbearring ogre if you say otherwise because she obviously doesn't understand that your first priority in a marriage is your spouse and/or kids...even over your brother,sister,parents,cousin, etc. in an apples to apples situation.
Your marriage should be the beginning of new life for the two of you alone. Not to say you leave everyone behind but your spouse is priority one.
I dated a girl like that and got out, probably later than I should have. On occassion my wife goes out on the town w/ the girls and I know she is going to be hit on by lots of guys because she is definitely a headturner in the crowd. But I have seen first hand how she handles a guy who is hitting on her when he knows she is married. My wife loses all respect for guys or girls who have cheated on their spouse. She has even lost some close girlfriends over this. All I ask is for her to call me before she goes to bed to let me know she is alright or in an emergency situation.
Sorry if I went on about the wife, but it sounds like you are trying to build on a very shaky foundation and it's doubtful she will do a 360 and become the ideal wife you want her to be. It will only feel worse when she is your wife and does this.
I hate to see couples go through this kind of thing but such is life. Feel free to PM me and good luck with whatever you decide.
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Damn are you my twin brother?we think just alike on this matter,going thru what you went thru after 12 years of trying to make it work...I now have found my best friend,I will never be married to her but we both know it's real and don't need a piece of paper to define it...Remember.... IMO... you must be "Friends" above all else in a marriage.
This leads to the question," would a Friend that treats you in this manner still be a Friend?"
Sit her down and let her know what you are thinking/feeling, if she is willing to talk about and work it through then its worth staying around and seeing what happens. If she is not willing to talk about it, well, IMO, I would walk away and take the learning.
Before I got married to my Wife, I was engaged with another girl... the girl decided that she wanted to date and then tell me about it... as much as that hurt I understood (I was military and TDY for 6 months)... but after returning it was clear that we were not Friends anymore. In actuality, 21 years later I have realized that we were never really true Friends to begin with.
My Wife and I are true Friends, we listen to each other and help when we can. We also know when to stay out of each others business until the other calms down or figures it out. We have never gone to bed angry and I can count on one hand how many times we stayed up talking all night to work out the issues.
Love comes later in a relationship... Friendship comes first... without the Friendship there is no relationship... (my thoughts/belief at least).
sorry for getting on the soap box...
sounds to me like she turned razor toungued with a gambling fetish demonstrating a gross disrespect for you annnnd money.
you gave'er the ring...so in her mind?...she testing you...seeing how far she can push you good natured manhood BEFORE she "really decides" wether or not she's gonna permanantly hitch up with ya...do some gambling of your own....call her bluff and lay down the law...be firm...be the man...and if she chills and hangs?...she was in fact testing/bluffing...but if she fluffs off in a tantrum?......leaving you for good with irrepairable parting words?...she wasn't bluffing...but either way?..you're gamble will pay off...it's "a bet"...one that no matter which way it goes?..you win...long run....short run...anyway ya look at it...provided of course you're on the outside looking in instead of the inside looking out annnd...
l8r, bill.
you gave'er the ring...so in her mind?...she testing you...seeing how far she can push you good natured manhood BEFORE she "really decides" wether or not she's gonna permanantly hitch up with ya...do some gambling of your own....call her bluff and lay down the law...be firm...be the man...and if she chills and hangs?...she was in fact testing/bluffing...but if she fluffs off in a tantrum?......leaving you for good with irrepairable parting words?...she wasn't bluffing...but either way?..you're gamble will pay off...it's "a bet"...one that no matter which way it goes?..you win...long run....short run...anyway ya look at it...provided of course you're on the outside looking in instead of the inside looking out annnd...
l8r, bill.
Brother, alot of what the guys are saying is some good stuff. I have to say that an engagement is usually the most exciting thing for a woman if it is with someone she wants to be with. She should be all about you. Going to clubs and casinos and not coming home to the next morning? Somethings wrong. She could be tying up loose ends but then again with who? You are human and your gut is telling you something is wrong, trust it. You have identified that something is off. Confront her now by talking to her and find out what the deal is. If she avoids the conversation or gets angry with you then she is avoiding the truth. When a man or woman is doing something wrong they always get defensive and angry and try to turn it around to make you feel like you were wrong for bringing it up. Talk to her. Find out now if she is on the bus with you. Life is too short and there are plenty of people you can be happy with without wasting your life and time with someone who makes you feel suspicious. Your fiancee' is not thinking about the perception of her actions and how they affect you. That is not a partner thing to do. I can assure you that most married people would not except this knid of behavior. Good Luck Bro!
In referance to what Jinkster said.
In my opinion (and what I would do, ask anyone who knows me)
If she is "testing" or "pushing you to see how far she can go"
Cut her loose, kick her to the curb and never I repeat NEVER look back.
I dont hang with ANYONE who plays games, especially a female who I am in a relationship with.
Too many girls out there that wont play games. the ones that do, need to get kicked to the curb
rk05 ... "What the deuce?" I hate to be blunt, but you gotta move on. Too many billions of people on this planet (and half of them are women) to get caught up in those kinda games. How about if you got a message, and went runnin' off gamblin' the night she "propositioned" you? Think you'd EVER hear the end of that one? Free yourself.
I'm a part of the "RUN" and "KICK HER TO THE CURB" club.
IMHO? She's just messin around. Or perhaps her idea of a relationship is completely skewed and esoteric. She either doesn't really know what she's getting herself into or has no respect for you OR the relationship. Possibly both.
My opinion plain and simple? Ask her to return the ring, get her stuff outta yer place and then cut off all financial ties (any joint accounts, access to your accounts). This stinks of nothing but bad news...not once, but TWICE were you shafted. Add in the fact that she seems to be a lil edgy of late and it just reeks of harmonious realtionship to come.
I'm sorry, but I've already been down the "once bitten, twice shy" road. The first couple of serious relationships I was in, they were my world. I would fly to the moon to bring it down to them...and I sacrificed everything that I was for them. I did it all because I loved them...and because their happiness was everything to me. How did they show their appreciation?
One of them slept with two guys behind my back. The other had a fling going on. I didn't care to find out if the latter had been sleeping with them already...was too hurt to even consider it.
Now, the hell if I'm gonna be like that again.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I refuse to allow myself to be hurt like that again.
If I were in your position, there would be nothing to debate nor ponder. Game over...plain and simple. A marriage will require tremendous sacrifice and altruism from both parties involved...anything less puts you on a crash course with stormy weather and rough roads.
Life is tough enough as it is...we don't need to exacerbate it.
Just my .02, FWIW.
IMHO? She's just messin around. Or perhaps her idea of a relationship is completely skewed and esoteric. She either doesn't really know what she's getting herself into or has no respect for you OR the relationship. Possibly both.
My opinion plain and simple? Ask her to return the ring, get her stuff outta yer place and then cut off all financial ties (any joint accounts, access to your accounts). This stinks of nothing but bad news...not once, but TWICE were you shafted. Add in the fact that she seems to be a lil edgy of late and it just reeks of harmonious realtionship to come.
I'm sorry, but I've already been down the "once bitten, twice shy" road. The first couple of serious relationships I was in, they were my world. I would fly to the moon to bring it down to them...and I sacrificed everything that I was for them. I did it all because I loved them...and because their happiness was everything to me. How did they show their appreciation?
One of them slept with two guys behind my back. The other had a fling going on. I didn't care to find out if the latter had been sleeping with them already...was too hurt to even consider it.
Now, the hell if I'm gonna be like that again.
If I were in your position, there would be nothing to debate nor ponder. Game over...plain and simple. A marriage will require tremendous sacrifice and altruism from both parties involved...anything less puts you on a crash course with stormy weather and rough roads.
Life is tough enough as it is...we don't need to exacerbate it.
Just my .02, FWIW.
jay, it's only a ring. you haven't sealed the deal yet. i tested the waters and made my wife wait for 3 years before we actually got married. if your girl is playing the ball and chain game already than that is a red flag to me. i'm not saying call it off, but just be aware of your surroundings. good luck!
RK, hopefully you've had time to read and reflect on the wisdom here from everyone's personal experiences and started to formulate a decision/action plan, whatever it may be.
We've had other members go through similar things here and the Org is a great outlet to vent to and get feedback from. Lots of goodwilled and wise people here.
Just so you know, we're here for ya Bra. Feel free to vent here or PM anyone if need be.
We've had other members go through similar things here and the Org is a great outlet to vent to and get feedback from. Lots of goodwilled and wise people here.
Just so you know, we're here for ya Bra. Feel free to vent here or PM anyone if need be.
I guess that is one of the other cool things about this board.. lots of older people (myself included at 44) and most of us have been there and done that. so normally when one of us old timers gives advice, it is not something we percieve is the best advice, it is usually what was the final solution for when we went through the same thing
All people are differant, and all situations are differant but often there are common denominators in most situations...
just my added .02 again
All people are differant, and all situations are differant but often there are common denominators in most situations...
just my added .02 again
The Big Red One
Registered
Having as many girl friends as guy friends is a VERY bad deal waiting to happen. Those are VERY bad odds for a relationship...and thats asking alot of your fiancee to accept....could you accept it? Over 60% of marriages fail.......add to that your ages and the fact that it sounds like both of you still need the attention of the opposite sexes, I would seriously reconsider the whole marriage thing. Neither of you guys are ready for it and you both know it.....you just need to face it, and talk to each other about things. I dated my wife for 7 years before I married her....we've been together 14 years now and they just keep getting better
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lol I feel as if I wanna go buy you ALL a round at the bar now. Like i've never met any of you and I am touched by the kind words and heartfelt advice.
I have been dating her since beginning of march and I had always told myself(due to past indiscretions by women i've dated) that I would NOT get engaged until i dated the girl at LEAST 2yrs. But for some reason, it just felt right. I mean we talked about it quite a bit and the more we talked about it the more I wanted to do it.
The thing is, its pretty much a foregone conclusion that its over. I mean I just don't FEEL towards her like I used to before she gave the ring back. Would I miss her? Sure but I wouldn't be as heartbroken and sad as I think i SHOULD for someone thats engaged. And that right there tells me its over. Another thing, how the hell do I do it? She has alot of sh*t here i.e.- dresser, tv, female stuff(makeup, lotion, etc)..........do i just get a truck when she's at work n drop it off at her grandpa's where she used to live n drop the bomb on her or what? I have only ever broken up with someone twice and both incidents were super long ago
I have been dating her since beginning of march and I had always told myself(due to past indiscretions by women i've dated) that I would NOT get engaged until i dated the girl at LEAST 2yrs. But for some reason, it just felt right. I mean we talked about it quite a bit and the more we talked about it the more I wanted to do it.
The thing is, its pretty much a foregone conclusion that its over. I mean I just don't FEEL towards her like I used to before she gave the ring back. Would I miss her? Sure but I wouldn't be as heartbroken and sad as I think i SHOULD for someone thats engaged. And that right there tells me its over. Another thing, how the hell do I do it? She has alot of sh*t here i.e.- dresser, tv, female stuff(makeup, lotion, etc)..........do i just get a truck when she's at work n drop it off at her grandpa's where she used to live n drop the bomb on her or what? I have only ever broken up with someone twice and both incidents were super long ago
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