How long to wean son off of money tree

[jdsbusa]

Tell her it's about making him accountable for his actions as an adult (which at 21 he's considered an adult by all standards). Paying his bills doesn't make him accountable or responsible. Sometimes people have to go without the "niceties" in life and pay the necessities. Direct TV and phone are not a necessity, but electricity, gas and possible the car insurance payment (but certainly not the bike unless it's his primary transportation and he rides 365) are depending on the availability of public transit in his area. He's already got a free lunch with the housing situation. Time for little Macfast to grow up and learn what it means to be an adult.

 

[tarock]

Wow I wish you were my dad. On second thought no I don't!

I'm almost 22 and have been on my own since 18. Sure my parents help me when things get rough. Heck, my dad even offered to buy my last bike so I could pay for college. I hope your son wakes up and realizes that life isn't always roses and sometimes it takes sacrifices. I sold my last bike/paid for college/insurance/housing. Yeah I have a ****ty job now and still paying for school, but since I have become a man and learned how to manage life I was able to get another bike. Your son has a family and needs to support and learn how to manage life. He will have his toys again, we all have to make sacrifices at some point. Those sacrifices make the rewards better in the end.

Your son is my age, and I have friends whose parents are just like you. Trust me when I say I am jealous, but at the same time I know they would be lost without that support. There is no reason why someone my age should not be able to provide for themselves. You never learn to appreciate what you don't honestly work for.

 

[2hip]

Macfast, you have a complex issue there. It's one thing to tell the young man if you are old enough to impregnate a girl ur old enough to face the realities of economics...but your more complex issue is that your wife wants to keep enabling this dysfunctional behavior...and it would seem her words to you are harsh, at best. Kids on the dole become entitled kids...there is no real appreciation for what you are doing for him...other than thanks, Pops! But he expects it and that is the rub. I don't know how all of this thing got so messed up...but it is pretty easy to tell you are up to your neck in it and not wanting to walk this path forever...who would? The wife is the key, mate. You need to somehow get that situation resolved first. I don't know how well you communicate, how deep your love is for one another. But you might have to really dig your heels in hard on this one..and there could be marital consequences. Personally, I would want to have a sit down with him, the grandparents, and the wife and try and resolve this issue with guidelines, deadlines, and expectations...see if a more palatable situation can be arrived at. If they all gang up on you as a jerk...and want to continue in the money tree fashion you need to know that you are the only one thinking clearly..and they are "enabling" him to become only weaker as he grows. At that point I would seek professional services of someone trained in family counseling to unravel this mess...and I have a feeling that is the way you might have to go due to the wife. Don't issue any ultimatiums...they never end well...no name calling or surly behavior will work...this is a tough issue and i wish you luck, patience, and calmness in knowing that you are not out of place in your desire to stop being an ATM...junior needs to pay his own way in the life and mama needs to stop weakening her son...2hip

 

[Macfast]

Wow I wish you were my dad. On second thought no I don't!

I'm almost 22 and have been on my own since 18. Sure my parents help me when things get rough. Heck, my dad even offered to buy my last bike so I could pay for college. I hope your son wakes up and realizes that life isn't always roses and sometimes it takes sacrifices. I sold my last bike/paid for college/insurance/housing. Yeah I have a ****ty job now and still paying for school, but since I have become a man and learned how to manage life I was able to get another bike. Your son has a family and needs to support and learn how to manage life. He will have his toys again, we all have to make sacrifices at some point. Those sacrifices make the rewards better in the end.

Your son is my age, and I have friends whose parents are just like you. Trust me when I say I am jealous, but at the same time I know they would be lost without that support. There is no reason why someone my age should not be able to provide for themselves. You never learn to appreciate what you don't honestly work for.

Very well put I will try to get him to read this post Thank you

 

[Macfast]

Her Dad spoiled her and now she does the same to him. I came up a lot harder than her . I worked for what I got she asked. A lot of that changed when we married and really sunk in when her father passed. You know if he would rake the yard and cut the grass it would be a little different. I do feel under apreciated

 

[Macfast]

Macfast, you have a complex issue there. It's one thing to tell the young man if you are old enough to impregnate a girl ur old enough to face the realities of economics...but your more complex issue is that your wife wants to keep enabling this dysfunctional behavior...and it would seem her words to you are harsh, at best. Kids on the dole become entitled kids...there is no real appreciation for what you are doing for him...other than thanks, Pops! But he expects it and that is the rub. I don't know how all of this thing got so messed up...but it is pretty easy to tell you are up to your neck in it and not wanting to walk this path forever...who would? The wife is the key, mate. You need to somehow get that situation resolved first. I don't know how well you communicate, how deep your love is for one another. But you might have to really dig your heels in hard on this one..and there could be marital consequences. Personally, I would want to have a sit down with him, the grandparents, and the wife and try and resolve this issue with guidelines, deadlines, and expectations...see if a more palatable situation can be arrived at. If they all gang up on you as a jerk...and want to continue in the money tree fashion you need to know that you are the only one thinking clearly..and they are "enabling" him to become only weaker as he grows. At that point I would seek professional services of someone trained in family counseling to unravel this mess...and I have a feeling that is the way you might have to go due to the wife. Don't issue any ultimatiums...they never end well...no name calling or surly behavior will work...this is a tough issue and i wish you luck, patience, and calmness in knowing that you are not out of place in your desire to stop being an ATM...junior needs to pay his own way in the life and mama needs to stop weakening her son...2hip

That was very good also.I really doubt there will be any counseling. Trying to do this without pissing my son off but I dont see any other way. When I say Im going to sell his bike i get flack from both sides No win without a total ass

 

[lavinrac]

If you must know you pay the bills its yours, do what you want with it.

If he has another vehicle take the bike put it in your garage, you ride it. Cut off the tv, phone and other unnecessary expenses. Let him know he is going to have to start paying his own bills electric, etc. As unfortunate as it is you have to sometimes be a ahole/jerk/whatever for people to learn to grow up or understand the way things are in the world.

As for the wife, honestly who wears the pants in your house? If she wants to continue to pay for all his stuff then let HER pay for it. Get a second job if she has one or a first job if she doesnt. Like everyone else here has stated he has a woman and a child, that in itself means he has to give up things to provide for HIS family. Sure you can help him in hard times, any good loving father would.


If you truly love your son which I am sure you do it is time for TUFF love. Your son may be mad/upset/whatever with you for a little while but he will get over it and understand that you are doing what is TRULY best for him.



Please note I say this cause I was booted at 17 before I was out of highschool. Sure I hated my folks for a little while, it was difficult to say the least, but I truly understand why they did it and I am very grateful they did as I have an appreciation and understanding for the things I have that you cant get otherwise. To this day I know if I hit hard times and cant make it they will help, but with the understanding I got of the world along with the sacrifices I had to make, I am in better prepared to handle the tuff situations that come along in life.

 

[stangman35]

so how long has he been out of the house.

 

[ogre]

the last time my mom gave me money was my 21st birthday. i'm 25 now, living in my own house, with my wife. if he can't afford his lifestyle, then he can lose some of that extra stuff he doesn't need, or man up and get a better job.

 

[headrash]

First you must ask yourself..what are parents for? Sounds to me like you should cut pieces off slowly if only to please your wife. If you don't care then it's time for some tough love and cut him off completely so that he can actually grow up and act like a man

 

[headrash]

First you must ask yourself..what are parents for? Sounds to me like you should cut pieces off slowly if only to please your wife. If you don't care then it's time for some tough love and cut him off completely so that he can actually grow up and act like a man

You also have to take into consideration your grandchild. Maybe start giving less to him and more to him/her.

 

[DEMMYM]

Take this how you want to but this is how I felt as soon as I read your Post


:wtf: 21 yrs old and still being supported by your parents, He is plenty old enough to be supporting himself and the family he chose to start.

He will never try any harder to better himself if he has Mommie and Daddy paying for everything.

My Mom and Stepdad divorced when I was almost 18, My Mom moved out of the house and lived in an apartment and my Stepdad allowed me to stay there until I was 18 and told me it was time to start my life on my own and pay my own way, ( Today I am glad he did this ) It forced me to grow up and take control of my life.

Tell the wife unless she plans on supporting him financialy all his life, ( Im sorry YOU supporting him ) Then you need to give him a date, and tell him after that he is on his own. ( Make him grow up )

Paying for your childs insurance / cell phone stops at 18

And he has a free house What the hell does he pay for.

Sorry, Just remembered that part.

I could keep going but I hope you got my message, I dont know your son, But from what Im reading he will never grow up if you keep taking care of him and unless you have enough money to take care of him for the rest of his life you better do something now.

 

[dragonbusa]

OK how can i do that and still maintain relations with my wife, When she says give-give-give

bingo! Sounds like you wife is wearing the pants in your house,he hasnt been taught to man up. teach by example.

 

[Poppy]

Then she says Im a A--hole

I agree with stopping the flow of money. If you agree to stop and your wife insists differently, you have far more problems than you have admitted. I know what I would do in both cases.

Wean the young MAN off of your wallet, and start looking at the other issue with the wifey. If she thinks you are a body exit point(?), there's no respect there and you need to look at that.

My $.02!! Good luck, you will need it!

 

[BlondeOnaBusa]

Anyone else in this same boat supporting your children

My oldest still lives with us, he will be 25 at the end of Feb.
That's about as far as it goes. He pays his own car/motorcycle payments, pays for his own insurance, pays his own tuition for schooling and pay's us rent.
I don't give him money unless it's an emergency and that hasn't happened in years.
I've been trying to nudge him out the door but it looks like I'm gonna have to resort to shoving

 

[Poppy]

Macfast, you have a complex issue there. It's one thing to tell the young man if you are old enough to impregnate a girl ur old enough to face the realities of economics...but your more complex issue is that your wife wants to keep enabling this dysfunctional behavior...and it would seem her words to you are harsh, at best. Kids on the dole become entitled kids...there is no real appreciation for what you are doing for him...other than thanks, Pops! But he expects it and that is the rub. I don't know how all of this thing got so messed up...but it is pretty easy to tell you are up to your neck in it and not wanting to walk this path forever...who would? The wife is the key, mate. You need to somehow get that situation resolved first. I don't know how well you communicate, how deep your love is for one another. But you might have to really dig your heels in hard on this one..and there could be marital consequences. Personally, I would want to have a sit down with him, the grandparents, and the wife and try and resolve this issue with guidelines, deadlines, and expectations...see if a more palatable situation can be arrived at. If they all gang up on you as a jerk...and want to continue in the money tree fashion you need to know that you are the only one thinking clearly..and they are "enabling" him to become only weaker as he grows. At that point I would seek professional services of someone trained in family counseling to unravel this mess...and I have a feeling that is the way you might have to go due to the wife. Don't issue any ultimatiums...they never end well...no name calling or surly behavior will work...this is a tough issue and i wish you luck, patience, and calmness in knowing that you are not out of place in your desire to stop being an ATM...junior needs to pay his own way in the life and mama needs to stop weakening her son...2hip

Excellent post! Hopefully Macfast will heed this advice too!

 

[RACER_X]

OP, you can ask all you want, but till your wife and you get on the same page, not alot is going to change.

i'd say make sure the granddaugter has food and clothes, and drop the freeloaders.

 

[Poppy]

My oldest still lives with us, he will be 25 at the end of Feb.
That's about as far as it goes. He pays his own car/motorcycle payments, pays for his own insurance, pays his own tuition for schooling and pay's us rent.
I don't give him money unless it's an emergency and that hasn't happened in years.
I've been trying to nudge him out the door but it looks like I'm gonna have to resort to shoving

That's not a bad arrangement since he's paying his way. As long as he's a good kid it's not bad. Eventually he will want his own place!

 

[DEMMYM]

My oldest still lives with us, he will be 25 He pays his own car/motorcycle payments, pays for his own insurance, pays his own tuition for schooling and pay's us rent.

Going to school makes a big difference.

 

[DEMMYM]

My daughters are 7 & 9 I give them both $100.00 a week allowance, Charge both of them $50.00 a week Rent. $20.00 a week utilities. $20.00 a week food. $5.00 a week for insurance on there Battery operated Jeep. Which leaves them $5.00 a week to blow on fun things like Soap and Shampoo.

Never to young to start learning








I hope you all know Im kidding.





But waitiuntil there 9 & 11