How long to wean son off of money tree

[mjrfd99]

Then she says Im a A--hole

Get rid of her too.

 

[mrsBusawhipped]

I have told this story before, so I will try to make it the condensed version.
Our 24 year old nephew came to live with us after the death of his 22 month old son (2 years previous) and fiance left him. He was messed up (who wouldn't be) and messing up. We told him there were 3 rules, you break one of them you are out. Stay in school, get a job and stay out of trouble with the law! So for the first year, he had a job was in school and stayed out of trouble for the most part. He squandered his money and was not saving to get is own place. At the anniversary of his son's death, he decided to get drunk and drive. Luckily cop stopped him. He knew he had messed up. We told him to start looking for a new place to live. After a couple of months (no progress being made on finding a home) we told him he could stay if he paid rent. Next anniversary, in trouble with the law again. Done. Find a new place to live. He moved in with girlfriend. Bad situation worse. She was a drunk, he was a drunk. He lived in this situation 2 years. He finally saw the light, when he had to walk home 20 miles in the dark and rain after being held at the police station for being drunk and assaulting a police officer.

As a young man going on 30 he has changed his life around. He doesn't drink, moved out of the hell hole he was in, has a new girlfriend, new job and is now renting his own place!!!! I am so proud of him and all that he has accomplished this past year!!! He is going to be just fine!!!

He lived with grandma from 14 until he was 19. Every time he gets in a jam she bails him out. He never learned to do things on his own. He use to get in trouble with the law as a teenager. Grandma bail him out and make it go away. You know how hard it is to tell MIL to not coddle grandson anymore? Talk about ferocious!!!!

I truely believe that if he had been taught to fend for himself and take responsiblity that alot of what he went through would not have happened.

 

[BlondeOnaBusa]

That's not a bad arrangement since he's paying his way. As long as he's a good kid it's not bad. Eventually he will want his own place!

He's really a great kid. Don't drink, smoke or do drugs but I would love for him to experience the world on his own.

 

[Macfast]

Get rid of her too.

I love that woman more than life itself. 26 years married so far. She is my ground. Things are not perfect all the time but I would'nt have it any other way. She has been there for me unconditionally and that means a lot to me
Im in for the long haul
AS Governer Stanford said " She is my soulmate"

 

[TIMMYDUCK]

Your enabling him a little bit maybe

 

[jdsbusa]

Mac, since you don't like confrontation, try taking the ball out of your court and putting it in his or the wife's. One simple question is all you have to ask. "If not now, when?" It's a nice open ended question that needs a definitive answer. No skirting around it with an answer like "when I getter a better job" or anything like that. The question can be thrown right back at a response like that. "When" is when and why not now? It's a simple question that can be applied to anything in life and avoiding the procrastination that a lot of people like to do...like your wife procrastinating in making him be responsible for his own bills, or your son procrastinating in doing the same - "If not now, when?" What's holding him back at this point in time? Job? What's going to change in a year with his job?

These are words my boys hear a lot as they've been growing. They all love to procrastinate. I ask them why they can't do things now rather than later - what's the difference? So far it's working pretty good with them and they're understanding the basics of things before they're even teenagers so I'm hoping the teachings now will carry through high school and beyond. The word "when" is used a lot by procrastinators. People that learn to "do" know when is, they set goals and carry through with what it takes to get those goals accomplished.

Good luck with however you and the Mrs. go at this - you have to find a common ground but ultimately I think a time line needs to be set in order for your son to take control of his own and family life. I could tell you some great stories about a 35 yr old guy that's still being nurtured by mommy. Someone should have said "if not now, when?" to him a LONG time ago.

 

[BIG GUY]

21 is old enough when he is out of the house. Don't get me wrong, my dad and stepmom help me out if I need money to make a repair on my bike and that's it. If I do end up having to borrow money from him I have them payed back in a month.

 

[mjn]

Macfast, you have a complex issue there. It's one thing to tell the young man if you are old enough to impregnate a girl ur old enough to face the realities of economics...but your more complex issue is that your wife wants to keep enabling this dysfunctional behavior...and it would seem her words to you are harsh, at best. Kids on the dole become entitled kids...there is no real appreciation for what you are doing for him...other than thanks, Pops! But he expects it and that is the rub. I don't know how all of this thing got so messed up...but it is pretty easy to tell you are up to your neck in it and not wanting to walk this path forever...who would? The wife is the key, mate. You need to somehow get that situation resolved first. I don't know how well you communicate, how deep your love is for one another. But you might have to really dig your heels in hard on this one..and there could be marital consequences. Personally, I would want to have a sit down with him, the grandparents, and the wife and try and resolve this issue with guidelines, deadlines, and expectations...see if a more palatable situation can be arrived at. If they all gang up on you as a jerk...and want to continue in the money tree fashion you need to know that you are the only one thinking clearly..and they are "enabling" him to become only weaker as he grows. At that point I would seek professional services of someone trained in family counseling to unravel this mess...and I have a feeling that is the way you might have to go due to the wife. Don't issue any ultimatiums...they never end well...no name calling or surly behavior will work...this is a tough issue and i wish you luck, patience, and calmness in knowing that you are not out of place in your desire to stop being an ATM...junior needs to pay his own way in the life and mama needs to stop weakening her son...2hip

Absolutely FANTASTIC post! Great advice dude...

That was very good also.I really doubt there will be any counseling. Trying to do this without pissing my son off but I dont see any other way. When I say Im going to sell his bike i get flack from both sides No win without a total ass

Don't worry about pissing your son off. This should've happened a long time ago..but you are doing him no good whatsoever at this point.

Talked with the wife. I can tell you the #1 reason I'm still in this boat is CONFRONTATION
I really hate it, Gets me upset wife upset, Just not a good thing. I usally will go out of my way to avoid it. She is right by saying every time money tightens up I bring this topic up. When I look at trimming some costs this one seems to be top on my list, It seems every year January and febuary are our tightest months.

man.. it is human nature to avoid confrontation.. don't feel like the lone ranger here. This is a situation that needs attention.. for not only your son, but for your marriage.

Direct TV bill is something else
I was informed that he is on our account and that this only cost $10 more a month DVR included Just one of the little things that add up

Hey... that's 10 bucks every month. If it were me, the only thing I'd help him with is basic needs, and there would be a timeline on those. TV and cel phone are NOT needs.

Your enabling him a little bit maybe

ya think? LOL!

We have turned into an entitlement society. An individual that grows up without the need to carry his/her own weight will do nothing but perpetuate what I feel is the core problem in our country.

One way or the other... he needs to man up and take responsibility for his own life.

I sincerely wish you the very best of luck in this situation. Keep us posted.

 

[chrisjp]

is the mother working and contributeing...? 50/50 ya know

 

[Domoe]

I would work out a plan to wean him off. Sit him down talk, to him about it. ie. son in september I am goin to stop paying you auto and moto insurance. some make plans son.

 

[Macfast]

We sat down today and talked. I let him read the posts and replys. We tried to figure out exactly how much we were paying. He says he will try to start helping.
He was hurt that I felt that way and more so that I asked the Busa org for their input.
Says he feels ashame that all of you know our situation and does not know if he can show face at the Bash,
I told him no one would look down on him and he was a part of the bash as everyone is
Love to ride with him Time will tell If he starts to pull some more of his own weight
Thanks again everyone

 

[Macfast]

Yes she is They have had a run of bad luck His truck repair $900 She crashed car $500 deductable then Christmas
Hopefully this year will be better for them
Grandchild is 9 months as cute as can be
That is my son in my avitar

is the mother working and contributeing...? 50/50 ya know

 

[Macfast]

Its strange how fast things change We were buddies for years now everything is different I miss the way it use to be

 

[georgiabusa_05]

Hope everything works out. No one will look down on him at the bash. We all have our own problems, all of us. It took alot for you to come out and ask for help, and I admire you for that. That is what is so great about the .org, we are here for each other when in need. It will all work out in time if you take the advice that has been given in this thread. Looking forward to seeing you BOTH at the bash.

 

[ajblbv]

Its strange how fast things change We were buddies for years now everything is different I miss the way it use to be

You can still be buddies but sometimes life calls for tough love. I can understand a young parent not making ends meet, but for all those things to be fully covered and he was given a house....even a minimum wage job would offer enough income to at least help. Also sometimes you can't have the lifestyle you might want, especially being so young. I can only speak so much as I am young too, but I know that having things handed to you is great for the short term, and horrible for the long term.

I hope that you guys can rediscover the bond you used to feel.

 

[Ezduzit]

We sat down today and talked. I let him read the posts and replys. We tried to figure out exactly how much we were paying. He says he will try to start helping.
He was hurt that I felt that way and more so that I asked the Busa org for their input.
Says he feels ashame that all of you know our situation and does not know if he can show face at the Bash,
I told him no one would look down on him and he was a part of the bash as everyone is
Love to ride with him Time will tell If he starts to pull some more of his own weight
Thanks again everyone

That will make him a better man in the long run trust me!

 

[jdsbusa]

We sat down today and talked. I let him read the posts and replys. We tried to figure out exactly how much we were paying. He says he will try to start helping.
He was hurt that I felt that way and more so that I asked the Busa org for their input.
Says he feels ashame that all of you know our situation and does not know if he can show face at the Bash,
I told him no one would look down on him and he was a part of the bash as everyone is
Love to ride with him Time will tell If he starts to pull some more of his own weight
Thanks again everyone

Just let him know many of us have been there before and are attempting to help others not make the same mistakes....it's what family is all about.

 

[Pearso]

We sat down today and talked. I let him read the posts and replys. We tried to figure out exactly how much we were paying. He says he will try to start helping.
He was hurt that I felt that way and more so that I asked the Busa org for their input.
Says he feels ashame that all of you know our situation and does not know if he can show face at the Bash,
I told him no one would look down on him and he was a part of the bash as everyone is
Love to ride with him Time will tell If he starts to pull some more of his own weight
Thanks again everyone

Just my 2cts

If he dosen't know what he's doing is wrong, then what is he ashamed of?

As for the wife, if this keeps up then, next time one of his bills appears and your wife needs something just tell her its one or the other. I understand you love them both but you can't get blood from a stone and if your wife has to go without, in order to cover his bills she may come around to your way of thinking.

I don't pretend to know your situation and I hope it all works out for you these are just my thoughts

 

[skydivr]

He need not be embarrased if he steps up and starts acting like a man.

 

[BusaOfDaKnight]

Coming from someone who is 23, I think 21 is more than enough. I have been working since 18 and pretty much supporting myself. There are times when a helping hand might be needed, but for the most part its time to go.....