How long to wean son off of money tree

[skydivr]

Your only goal in life is to raise a productive, caring and self-sufficient MAN. It's time to start. I think weaning him might be better than cold turkey. As long as you and your wife support him at this level, he will NEVER EVER grow up to be a man. He was old enough to have a child and a wife, so he's got to step up. You wife needs to understand that you are not helping him ONE BIT, you are hurting him by continuing support at this level. Nothing wrong at all about helping him get on his feet, but all this extra stuff is not a good idea as it sets the stage to think he's ENTITLED to it.

You are not helping him by being the Sugar Daddy. Basics are one thing, Direct TV bill is something else. No matter what, you've got to convince your wife that contining to support him at this level is NOT good. What happens to him when you are gone?

Loving your son is not the same as coddling him.

Good luck.

 

[Acehole]

Im plus 1 on the tough love opinions. It's the way I was raised. I believe you son will come around soon enough. but i wish you a whole ton of Luck convincing your wife.

 

[StromBusa]

My daughters are 7 & 9 I give them both $100.00 a week allowance, Charge both of them $50.00 a week Rent. $20.00 a week utilities. $20.00 a week food. $5.00 a week for insurance on there Battery operated Jeep. Which leaves them $5.00 a week to blow on fun things like Soap and Shampoo.

Never to young to start learning

I hope you all know Im kidding.

But waitiuntil there 9 & 11

Economics 101 I moved out @ 18 to give my old man a break. I've pulled my own freight since. I think I made it way too easy on my kids so they need support forever I think, mothers dont get the whole "swim or sink" thing .... I'm drawing the line at 30

 

[VaBusa]

Yikes Mac, that's a tough spot to be in

I know as a parent you both want to help, but there's "helping" someone and then there's that person just taking advantage of a situation. When will it stop? Likely never if you allow it to go on. You are in between that proverbial rock and a hard place. I'm not sure what I'd do if I were in your shoes. *sigh*

 

[mrsBusawhipped]

Wow! I don't have children, but I can imagin "Momma" wanting to protect her baby. But Baby is an adult now with a Baby!!! You have the right idea. It is time for him to pay his way. Sit down and have a talk with him and his girlfriend and maybe give them until the end of March to have the bills switched in their names and they start paying them. You will be doing him a favor if you let him stand on his own two feet!!! Good luck!

 

[Mr Brown]

Mac,
my suggestion is that you inform your wife if she wants to give him money that she earns, so be it but you are finished. If she doesn't work, then let her go without some of the things she enjoys spending money on so that he can have it instead. This will probably bring her over to your side. I understand sometimes you can't just "Lay down the law" but there is a way you can let her know you're serious.
It's fine to help your kids out when they are in a bind, but you aren't helping him at all paying his month to month expenses. He has to find out what the real world is like, or it will be ugly for him when you can't help him anymore.....

 

[ajblbv]

Read everything and there's a lot of good points...

First issue I think is finding a common ground with your wife. To do that I would talk to your son and as awkward as it may be, ask him exactly what their income is vs expenses, and where it is going. Auditing his life will help you understand what he needs. Once you have that information you can make an educated guess at what he really needs vs does not. What he can afford himself, and cannot.

Once you have that together, I would sit down with your wife and say look, we are paying for 100% of X, but he could afford paying for ___% of X, and if you can get her on board go talk to your son. I agree with what someone else said, basically taper him off, over a 6-12 month period each money getting a little more drastic in your cuts. Cutting him off cold turkey could screw up his situation if he has some ongoing expenses and commitments you aren't accounting for.

Basically, be his accountant, and supplement where you see fit. I don't think you should be paying for everything, but on the other hand I have helped family with money in tough situations. Never consistently though.

HTH, let us know what you decide on.

 

[Macfast]

Great advice Its the insurance and cell phone that bother me the most
I was fine with supporting him while he was in college wanted too let him focus on school and enjoy his youth.
Now he has quit school has a baby and living with his girlfriend We really wanted him to finish school He has not going to at this time
My thoughts are that if your out the house your on your on, and this fustrates me that I cannot get it across to them. I know insurance is a lot higher for young people I enen offered to keep him on our policy and let him make the payments. He says he can't afford it. I know they dont have much money but its not my fault

 

[kromdom]

here is a Chinese proverb that may apply to you/your son:

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

 

[Goatkart]

My daughters are 7 & 9 I give them both $100.00 a week allowance, Charge both of them $50.00 a week Rent. $20.00 a week utilities. $20.00 a week food. $5.00 a week for insurance on there Battery operated Jeep. Which leaves them $5.00 a week to blow on fun things like Soap and Shampoo.

Never to young to start learning








I hope you all know Im kidding.





But waitiuntil there 9 & 11

hahahah, yeah, you dont leave em with 5 bucks....


back on topic now....

personally, i think the key is, he had a kid.... i dont care if i was 12 14 or 20.... if i had ever had a kid, my mom and dad would have shoved me out on my butt, 100 dollars in hand, and said figure it out...

to top it all off, he has a home, which is more than i would imagine most of us can say.... i slept in some serious 100 dollar a month rat holes getting by....

truth is....



when your big enough to whip it out, your big enough to figure it out...

 

[Macfast]

Talked with the wife. I can tell you the #1 reason I'm still in this boat is CONFRONTATION
I really hate it, Gets me upset wife upset, Just not a good thing. I usally will go out of my way to avoid it. She is right by saying every time money tightens up I bring this topic up. When I look at trimming some costs this one seems to be top on my list, It seems every year January and febuary are our tightest months.

 

[Macfast]

Direct TV bill is something else
I was informed that he is on our account and that this only cost $10 more a month DVR included Just one of the little things that add up

 

[Mr Brown]

Talked with the wife. I can tell you the #1 reason I'm still in this boat is CONFRONTATION
I really hate it, Gets me upset wife upset, Just not a good thing. I usally will go out of my way to avoid it. She is right by saying every time money tightens up I bring this topic up. When I look at trimming some costs this one seems to be top on my list, It seems every year January and febuary are our tightest months.

Usually are the tightest months for everyone....
There are ways to get your point across without being confrontational.
How about this suggestion: A one time lump sum, say enough for 3 months worth of his bills you are now paying, and that's it. Tell him, his girlfriend and your wife that this issue is causing a lot of stress for you, and you are willing to help, but your financial responsibility for him is over. If he squanders the gift you give him, he has nobody to blame but himself. 3 months is enough time for anyone to adapt their lifestyle to a financial change, your wife will know that your'e not being an you just want to help him in the long run.

 

[Poppy]

Sounds like you are now justifying supporting your grown son. Good luck down the road when you need some support. It would be nice if you were able to take what your spending on him and save for a rainy day. It will rain eventually! Don't get me wrong, I have three adult kids and currently have custody of three grandaughters so I know your pain and feel for you as well; but I certainly do not support their household. My wife and I have the same long term personal goals and it sounds like you and your wife do not.

 

[Poppy]

In defense of Macfast, I will say we do not have a personal, nor an emotional attachment to his specific situation. It's easy for someone to say "cut him off right away", or "throw the bum out". It just doesn't work that way.

I'm glad he felt comfortable enough to come on and ask for opinions and/or solutions. I truly wish him good luck in the issue(s) he is faced with.

 

[Macfast]

Sounds like you are now justifying supporting your grown son. Good luck down the road when you need some support. It would be nice if you were able to take what your spending on him and save for a rainy day. It will rain eventually! Don't get me wrong, I have three adult kids and currently have custody of three grandaughters so I know your pain and feel for you as well; but I certainly do not support their household. My wife and I have the same long term personal goals and it sounds like you and your wife do not.

I love my son don't get me wrong.Would do most anything for him. Im not justifying it = That direct TV comment came straight out of my wife's mouth. I was just saying all of these things add up

 

[Poppy]

I love my son don't get me wrong.Would do most anything for him. Im not justifying it = That direct TV comment came straight out of my wife's mouth. I was just saying all of these things add up

Haha, we posted too quick for each other. Read my post above yours quoted. I do feel for you!

 

[BUBBA]

I pay for a lot of my sons bills Car & Bike insurance Cell phone Direct TV all taxes Which he and my wife come off the magic money tree out back
He is out of the house living with his babys moma in a house free of rent giving to him by his grandma, Both of them work, although not a great paying job
I think at 21years old and living out of the house you should carry your own weight My wife thinks Im a ahole She says that im his dad i should take care of him HOW LONG IS LONG
Enough

I too have this problem with my daughters, so the wife and I decided to set a deadline and they all know the cutoff date. We have given too much and it is time for us to practice a little "Tough Love" in order to give them the independence they need. I love them with all my heart and always wanted to give them everything they needed to a fault. I blame myself for this and it will break my heart if they can not make it on their own.

Just my opinion and I empathize with you, I know the feeling well.
Bubba

 

[DREW]

Dave Ramsey on Fox business network offers good advice for these situations. I believe the correct answer is NO. I love you son, but NO.

 

[jdsbusa]

Just to add....here's what I've already told my 3 sons and they're 6, 10 and 12 - once you're 18 you have 3 choices, Military, go to school and I'll help to a degree but you're footing your own tuition just like I did (I'm not paying my kids tuition, doesn't teach them a thing about life), or I can likely get them a job working where I do which has tuition assistance and they'll be expected to work full time and attend school which is what I did (combo of military and school and work and school is what I did). Once they're out of high school they basically have those 3 summer months to figure stuff out. After that they'd better be ready for life because it'll sure be waiting for them. If he can't live on the job he has now perhaps a job change or the military is in order. It will teach a lot of people who are let's say, less than responsible, to grow up while providing them with an income and education as well as everything else the family needs in the way of benefits. You gotta think outside the box on this one maybe....his job now isn't cutting it so it likely isn't gonna cut it in another year is it?