Post up your funniest JOKES!!!
- Thread starter Mrs.Rubber2Burn
- Start date
tourbus
Registered
+1 man thats funny
doniton2
Registered
So this golf instructor is teaching a group of people to play when this lady comes running over screaming she tells him a bee just stung me! The instructor asks where she got stung? She replies in-between the first and second hole. He tells her I told you your stance was to wide.
OK, the gloves are off now!
The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
© After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach .... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.
The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
© After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach .... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.
tourbus
Registered
+1 thats funny **** right there
The funniest part is - while you guys are laughing your butt's off... all of the SO's are shaking their heads, looking to the heavens and wondering if there will ever be a day when y'all figure out why you laugh and why we give you "that look"... which is funny in itself, to me at least.Hey Lisa, I don't know if you're aware, but the manlaw listing just made alot of us (men)stand up at attention, kinda like the Pledge of Allegiance in school
THATS what we need a MAN LAW thread
Nah we won't waste time trying to figure it outThe funniest part is - while you guys are laughing your butt's off... all of the SO's are shaking their heads, looking to the heavens and wondering if there will ever be a day when y'all figure out why you laugh and why we give you "that look"... which is funny in itself, to me at least.Hey Lisa, I don't know if you're aware, but the manlaw listing just made alot of us (men)stand up at attention, kinda like the Pledge of Allegiance in school
THATS what we need a MAN LAW thread
LCB the "Man Laws" are crackin' me up!!!
Y'all have posted some really FUNNY jokes. Thanks for making my day funnier!!
Keep EM Coming...........
NEVER LIE TO A FEMALE ... AT ANY AGE!
There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he had handy.
The girl came up to him and asked, 'What do you have under the newspaper?'
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, 'A bird.'
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.
The guy says, 'I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question. I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know, here I am in the hospital in this unbelievable pain.'
The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her, 'Just what did you do to that naked fellow?'
After a pause, the girl replied, 'To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, busted its eggs, and set its nest on fire!'
There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he had handy.
The girl came up to him and asked, 'What do you have under the newspaper?'
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, 'A bird.'
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.
The guy says, 'I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question. I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know, here I am in the hospital in this unbelievable pain.'
The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her, 'Just what did you do to that naked fellow?'
After a pause, the girl replied, 'To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, busted its eggs, and set its nest on fire!'
Amen to that LycanNah we won't waste time trying to figure it outThe funniest part is - while you guys are laughing your butt's off... all of the SO's are shaking their heads, looking to the heavens and wondering if there will ever be a day when y'all figure out why you laugh and why we give you "that look"... which is funny in itself, to me at least.Hey Lisa, I don't know if you're aware, but the manlaw listing just made alot of us (men)stand up at attention, kinda like the Pledge of Allegiance in school
THATS what we need a MAN LAW thread
we reserve our brains for more important things, like dollar beer is from what time to what time?
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat............
10% of women think their ass is too skinny......
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat............
10% of women think their ass is too skinny......
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world
bigoltool
Registered
Oldie
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. The bartender said, "You can't bring that monkey in here!" The man said, "Don't worry, he won't cause any trouble."
Bartender agrees and walks away. The monkey sits there for a minute and then grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Bartender yells at him and the guy apologizes and says he wont do it again.
After a few minutes the Monkey grabs a few Maraschino Cherries and eats them. The bartender has had enough and tells him to go.
On the way out the monkey walks by the pool table and grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. The bartender yelled, "Hey, he just ate my cue ball. No one can play pool anymore! Get out!"
A few weeks later the guy comes back with his monkey. He apologized to the bartender and promised no more trouble. The bartender let him and the monkey stay.
Later that night, the monkey grabs some peanuts off the floor and shoves one up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it. The bartender looked at the monkey really quisical but since he wasn't doing anything to raw he let it slide. The the guy gives the monkey the cherry out of his drink and again the monkey sticks it up his butt and then eats it. The bartender said, "That's disgusting! Why did he do that!"
The guy replies, "Ever since that cue ball incident, he sizes up everything up before he eats it now."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. The bartender said, "You can't bring that monkey in here!" The man said, "Don't worry, he won't cause any trouble."
Bartender agrees and walks away. The monkey sits there for a minute and then grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Bartender yells at him and the guy apologizes and says he wont do it again.
After a few minutes the Monkey grabs a few Maraschino Cherries and eats them. The bartender has had enough and tells him to go.
On the way out the monkey walks by the pool table and grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. The bartender yelled, "Hey, he just ate my cue ball. No one can play pool anymore! Get out!"
A few weeks later the guy comes back with his monkey. He apologized to the bartender and promised no more trouble. The bartender let him and the monkey stay.
Later that night, the monkey grabs some peanuts off the floor and shoves one up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it. The bartender looked at the monkey really quisical but since he wasn't doing anything to raw he let it slide. The the guy gives the monkey the cherry out of his drink and again the monkey sticks it up his butt and then eats it. The bartender said, "That's disgusting! Why did he do that!"
The guy replies, "Ever since that cue ball incident, he sizes up everything up before he eats it now."
Subject: Blonde Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly-tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
>
>
>
Betcha didn't see that coming.
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly-tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
>
>
>
Betcha didn't see that coming.
