Post up your funniest JOKES!!!

[Mr Bogus]

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.

Jesus is up next.

He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It's in the hole.

Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna f$%! around?"

 

[Mr Bogus]

and Oldie but goodie:

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight..

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."

All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don't forget the coffee!"

 

[doniton2]

Therese three couples trying to get in to this new church a 20 year old couple a 40year old couple and a 60 year old couple the priest tells them in order to going you have to go three weeks without sex. They all three come back three weeks later. And the priest asks how'd you do. First the 60-year-old couple said we've had enough sex over the years that it wasn't to hard we made it. The priest said you're in. Then the 40-year-old couple said well the first two weren't to but the third was rough but we made it. The priest said then you're in too. Well the 20year old guy says we made it the first week all right then the second was tough and in the third week she bent over in front of the fridg without any underwear on and I could take it any more I just had to do it right there. The priest shocked says well then you can't come in our church and the guy replies that's all right we're not aloud in the grocery store any more either.

 

[LCB]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and  dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it,it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects  for a minute, then he answers:  "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.  "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now  there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.  Today you voted."

 

[Shanling]

and Oldie but goodie:

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight..

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."

All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don't forget the coffee!"

Have never heard that one before...

 

[Mrs.Rubber2Burn]

Today you voted.....Hee Hee Hee!!!

 

[Scar]

and Oldie but goodie:

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight..

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."

All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don't forget the coffee!"

I read this story in the Reader's Digest monthly, a couple years back, in the Humor in Uniform section, I think.

j/k

 

[Mr Bogus]

Stationed in the desert the General asks the enlisted man what they do when they need "Company"

The enlisted man tells him "well sir, around back we have this camel".... The general nods and says enough...not into that...

Later the general asks a second man the same question, the man starts out "well around back we have a " the general cuts him off short and states he is not into that ...


A day later the general asks a third soldier the question and he tells him, "Well around back, we" the general cuts him off and says "Ok Ok I already know about the camel" and he heads around back...

about 5 minutes later the general appears back around the corner and comments to the soldier that it was not quite as bad as he thought it would be.... baffled, the soldier asks the general, Sir, how on earth did you get to town and back so fast?

 

[twotonevert]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn''t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman''s husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That''s nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ''From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!''

 

[Wag]

Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench when all of a sudden, a flasher steps up and opens up his trench coat and shows them his goods.

The first little old lady had a stroke. The second little old lady had a stroke too but the third little old lady's arms were too short to reach.

--Wag--

 

[Wag]

Here's an article for you.

--Wag--

 

[jefferycarman]

Great read Wag

 

[twotonevert]

How do you get a little ole lady to yell F^&%?

Get another little ole lady to yell bingo!

 

[jefferycarman]

BINGO!

 

[99'busa]

 

[jefferycarman]

I guess it has to be an old lady to make it happen huh?

 

[Wag]

Here you go.

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently,

'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed.

When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,

'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear!'

 

[BusaWhipped]

What's the difference between parsley and .....    um nevermind.

 

[Wag]

You mean one is upside down and the other is backward, right?

--Wag--

 

[majinbusa]

Clinton at Baseball game



The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row just above the dug
out at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret
Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the
President's ear.

President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck
and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the
dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and after
she lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and "high
five's" everyone near him.

The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, "No Mr.
President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."