Post up your funniest JOKES!!!
- Thread starter Mrs.Rubber2Burn
- Start date
I am bumping this up to see if anyone has any new "funnies" out there to brighten up my gloomy Friday afternoon. It has been a shid week, and is turning out to be a really shiddy Friday.
bumpity,
,
bumpity,
hee hee hee....
to trick guys...
Anyone have any new funnies??
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a
room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
'Oh My GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he
doing that?'
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very
sorry that you were exposed to that,
but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly
fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a
day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'
'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's oka y,' said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying
in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'
Again, speaking very calmly, the doctor stated, 'Same illness,
better health plan.'
During her tour she passed a
room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
'Oh My GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he
doing that?'
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very
sorry that you were exposed to that,
but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly
fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a
day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'
'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's oka y,' said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying
in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'
Again, speaking very calmly, the doctor stated, 'Same illness,
better health plan.'
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new
>>> > Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
>>> >
>>> > Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the
>>> > wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing!' he
>>> > thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even
>>> > more.
>>> >
>>> > Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol
>>> > behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. 'I can
>>
>>> > get away from him. No problem,' thought the elderly citizen as he
>>> > floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph.
>>> >
>>> > Suddenly he thought, 'What on earth am I doing?
>>> > I'm too old for this nonsense,' pulled over to the side of the
>>> > road and waited for the Trooper to catch up.
>>> >
>>> > Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's
>>> > side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift
>>> > ends in 30 minutes.
>>> > Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding
>>> > that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
>>> >
>>> > The man, looking very serious at the Trooper said, "Years ago,
>>> > my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were
>>> > bringing her back."
>>> >
>>> > "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
>>> >
>>> > Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
>>> >
>>> > Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the
>>> > wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing!' he
>>> > thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even
>>> > more.
>>> >
>>> > Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol
>>> > behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. 'I can
>>
>>> > get away from him. No problem,' thought the elderly citizen as he
>>> > floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph.
>>> >
>>> > Suddenly he thought, 'What on earth am I doing?
>>> > I'm too old for this nonsense,' pulled over to the side of the
>>> > road and waited for the Trooper to catch up.
>>> >
>>> > Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's
>>> > side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift
>>> > ends in 30 minutes.
>>> > Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding
>>> > that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
>>> >
>>> > The man, looking very serious at the Trooper said, "Years ago,
>>> > my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were
>>> > bringing her back."
>>> >
>>> > "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
>>> >
LoL!
DUSTY UNDERWEAR
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Mom. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom one of the little lizards was indeed laying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!""Oh my gosh," my husband diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Dad!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my husband.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" he inquired. (I actually think he said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded him, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," he informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my husband wanted to know. (I really do think he was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my husband whispered, horrified. "Do something, Mom!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest son wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the men in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his father noted to him. (Men can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what he does to me is one thing, but this boy is of his loins, for God's sake.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my husband asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my husband. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mrs. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited, "my husband offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel husband started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the man I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless femininity.
Tears were now running down his face. "It's just..that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little.." he gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Mom," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my husband agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your wife pulling on a lizard's wacker ......Priceless...
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Mom. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom one of the little lizards was indeed laying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!""Oh my gosh," my husband diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Dad!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my husband.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" he inquired. (I actually think he said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded him, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," he informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my husband wanted to know. (I really do think he was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my husband whispered, horrified. "Do something, Mom!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest son wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the men in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his father noted to him. (Men can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what he does to me is one thing, but this boy is of his loins, for God's sake.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my husband asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my husband. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mrs. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited, "my husband offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel husband started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the man I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless femininity.
Tears were now running down his face. "It's just..that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little.." he gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Mom," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my husband agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your wife pulling on a lizard's wacker ......Priceless...
That made me LOL!
Life sentence.
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you
that he's watching you'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you
that he's watching you'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
