Its time to vent about my marriage...

[Bigdog5]

I was in a similar situation when I was younger, not the married part but the distance.

1) See if you can get her to meet you halfway....Hilton Head, Savannah. Pay her some attention in person.

2) This is the hard part...the disrespect part will probably never change. If she talks like that and even her family asks how you put up with it...that's who she is. You have to ask yourself if it's going to bother you for the rest of your life. She may change once she matures, but in stressful times...

Just my two cents...

 

[sixpack577]

You're both young, and the first couple years of marriage are the toughest. My wife and I have done the long distance thing too. Most of all, marriage is a lifetime commitment, don't be so quick to give up. It's a 2 way street and it takes the both of you working together. The stress and distance of course is causing most of your problems. I can sympathize with you, but be the man and do all you can to make it work, even when it's the hardest. If you don't and your marriage doesn't last, you may have to live with some "what if's". Having folks here to listen will help you in itself, then you and your wife can have a heart to heart, what do we do and how can we do it now?
I wish you well, and regardless of how it works out, things will get better. Most of all put YOUR faith in GOD(regardless of her belifes), your doing your part, let Him do the rest.

 

[zukracer]

my 2c...having done a number of long distance relationships just due to how my job works...

If she cant make the 10hr drive, eh, thats telling but not the end of the world, 10hrs in a car to a 20 something chick can be a major haul.

You definitely need to go see her, nothing gets resolved unless its face to face. Be very attentive while you are there, see how she acts and reacts to you. Pay attention to the smallest things... Do you think she's found someone local to occupy her time and that's part of this? Was the change sudden or has it been brewing? If you do then dont tell her you are coming, just show up, maybe ask her if she's got something going on one weekend.

You two are both very young and most people change a ton, in some cases they change completely between 18 and 25. I won't say you should bail but life is too short when you have very little it seems holding you together and you are unhappy. There are plenty of fish in the sea as they say and you'll find someone that would swim the Atlantic to see you for a minute at some point....perhaps this one isn't her maybe it is. You just need to look in her eyes, look in your heart and make the decision.




Oh yeah, don't make the decision with the little head lots of women out there that do more than she will.

 

[skydivr]

The truth of the matter is that a young marriage is hard enough when you live together, but a young marriage separated by distance is even harder. I knew I wasn't ready to get married until after I was 30. College and the Marines thrown in doesn't help, either.

Quitting is not acceptable. You both got into this with your eyes wide open, but probably naive about how hard it would be. You need to man up, and she needs to woman up. Understand you can't go, but she has no excuse for 10 hour drive with an entire spring break WEEK to get over it. This is the point where you tell her to woman up. She may not have realized it, but the moment she became a Marine's wife she became a camp follower ("Whitherst thou goest, I will follow").

Now, two things: 1) That poor girl is as stressed out as you are, and, more importantly 2) you are learning about women's hormones and the havoc that it plays on them monthly. School has got to be driving her crazy. It sounds like you are both making a big effort with chat and all that - maybe she'd be less stressed if she spent some of that time studying instead of hanging out with you...?

No matter what, deal with it until school is out (2 months); once she is out for summer break, there would be no excuse for her not to come to you. If she puts up a fight then, then it may require other measures, but hold off and give her the chance to finish the semester. Then you both need to get together and think REALLY HARD about what you want to do for the next fall. Maybe you can prepare better to repeat it, or maybe she needs to switch schools for you to be together. YOU HAD BETTER BE MORE IMPORTANT TO HER THAN SCHOOL.

As far as the talking down to you part, all you can do is tell her how much it hurts you when she talks like that, and how it makes you feel. Then, let her talk about how it makes her feel to be trying to be married at a distance. If she can let out her pain and fear, it may help you both.

Good luck!

 

[RussellJ]

Yeah i try to think about every scenario and see it from her end. I dont know i just dont see good things when i think about it anymore just because of the last 3 months...

I think when it started out i though i could change her which i should've known most situations people fail to change the other. The religion thing crosses my mind very often... even when shes not in her moods.
And im sure its a big facter in why she is how she is. I forgot a good amount of things cause i dont want her to sound like a completely terrible person. Shes not always negative but shes more negative than most. And shes one of those who overly criticizes herself and how she looks so much that if also affects her moods if she goes into a tangent about how she hates herself. And she makes a point how she hates people. I mean i dont like a good amount of people myself but... I guess when im wanting true opinions i should include everything...

 

[RussellJ]

The truth of the matter is that a young marriage is hard enough when you live together, but a young marriage separated by distance is even harder. I knew I wasn't ready to get married until after I was 30. College and the Marines thrown in doesn't help, either.

Quitting is not acceptable. You both got into this with your eyes wide open, but probably naive about how hard it would be. You need to man up, and she needs to woman up. Understand you can't go, but she has no excuse for 10 hour drive with an entire spring break WEEK to get over it. This is the point where you tell her to woman up. She may not have realized it, but the moment she became a Marine's wife she became a camp follower ("Whitherst thou goest, I will follow").

Now, two things: 1) That poor girl is as stressed out as you are, and, more importantly 2) you are learning about women's hormones and the havoc that it plays on them monthly. School has got to be driving her crazy. It sounds like you are both making a big effort with chat and all that - maybe she'd be less stressed if she spent some of that time studying instead of hanging out with you...?

No matter what, deal with it until school is out (2 months); once she is out for summer break, there would be no excuse for her not to come to you. If she puts up a fight then, then it may require other measures, but hold off and give her the chance to finish the semester. Then you both need to get together and think REALLY HARD about what you want to do for the next fall. Maybe you can prepare better to repeat it, or maybe she needs to switch schools for you to be together. YOU HAD BETTER BE MORE IMPORTANT TO HER THAN SCHOOL.

Good luck!

She has no break.... she has to take summer classes to graduate on time. She takes only 4 classes a semester and her class load is out of this world. I myself went to a state college for bio for a year and a half. nothing compared to her load at florida state... granted she has also passed me in her level of courses also so its even worse than it was.

I would have her come and take college up here but she is on a florida scholarship... and i cannot find a program (yet) that will give her a full scholarship up here... but now thoughts have crossed my mind lately if i even want to do that if she is going to be the same way up here...

 

[PandaNin]

I'll be one of the people who won't hold back and tell you what I would do if I were in that situation.

Leave. Now.

You are NOT happy and it is not worth giving up your future because you think you make her happy and you feel like she won't be able to get along without you. She made it this far, she'll be fine.

I wish someone had told me that when I met my first wife. We got married and 2 years later had our only kid. I really really wish someone had told me it was OK to leave her. I stuck around because that's how I was raised. This whole "death till us part" is outdated and not should not be applied.

Honestly, you don't know who you are until you're 30s. You are still discovering and maturing and learning and exploring. Live your life, love your life.

Be well.

 

[sixpack577]

She sounds very insecure, and really needs you to build her up. You can't be there, so she gets more down on herself, frustration escalates from there. No simple fix man, just have to tough it out and do whatever you can to make it work. Sounds like she doesn't belive in God, or that she questions his exhistance. That doesn't mean she always will. Sometimes God puts a couple like that together for good reason. You just are more aware of the weight you're carrying at this point.
Faith, and effort behind it. Worry is the opposite of faith, and accomplishes only bad things.

 

[RussellJ]

my 2c...having done a number of long distance relationships just due to how my job works...

If she cant make the 10hr drive, eh, thats telling but not the end of the world, 10hrs in a car to a 20 something chick can be a major haul.

You definitely need to go see her, nothing gets resolved unless its face to face. Be very attentive while you are there, see how she acts and reacts to you. Pay attention to the smallest things... Do you think she's found someone local to occupy her time and that's part of this? Was the change sudden or has it been brewing? If you do then dont tell her you are coming, just show up, maybe ask her if she's got something going on one weekend.

You two are both very young and most people change a ton, in some cases they change completely between 18 and 25. I won't say you should bail but life is too short when you have very little it seems holding you together and you are unhappy. There are plenty of fish in the sea as they say and you'll find someone that would swim the Atlantic to see you for a minute at some point....perhaps this one isn't her maybe it is. You just need to look in her eyes, look in your heart and make the decision.




Oh yeah, don't make the decision with the little head lots of women out there that do more than she will.

Nope she has no friends in Tallahassee besides her roommates and her sister lives up there too. Maybe she needs friends but she wont make any because she dislikes people... lol

 

[skydivr]

She has no break.... she has to take summer classes to graduate on time. She takes only 4 classes a semester and her class load is out of this world. I myself went to a state college for bio for a year and a half. nothing compared to her load at florida state... granted she has also passed me in her level of courses also so its even worse than it was.

I would have her come and take college up here but she is on a florida scholarship... and i cannot find a program (yet) that will give her a full scholarship up here... but now thoughts have crossed my mind lately if i even want to do that if she is going to be the same way up here...

CRAP. Then you are gonna have to find a way to work it out, or quit. Marines aren't quitters - I hope you wife isn't either, as you guys are gonna have to FIGHT for your marriage if you want to keep it.

 

[RussellJ]

I'll be one of the people who won't hold back and tell you what I would do if I were in that situation.

Leave. Now.

You are NOT happy and it is not worth giving up your future because you think you make her happy and you feel like she won't be able to get along without you. She made it this far, she'll be fine.

I wish someone had told me that when I met my first wife. We got married and 2 years later had our only kid. I really really wish someone had told me it was OK to leave her. I stuck around because that's how I was raised. This whole "death till us part" is outdated and not should not be applied.

Honestly, you don't know who you are until you're 30s. You are still discovering and maturing and learning and exploring. Live your life, love your life.

Be well.

I was told that a few weeks before getting married and laughed it off foolishly... Oh how i was wrong lol. Young ignorance at its finest

CRAP. Then you are gonna have to find a way to work it out, or quit. Marines aren't quitters - I hope you wife isn't either, as you guys are gonna have to FIGHT for your marriage if you want to keep it.

Yeah but I just wonder if its a losing battle. I do want to keep it and I am just seeing how things go in the next few weeks... I also dont want to be the person who keeps pushing to fix something that cant be fixed...

Im going to cease pushing to make things better and see if they heal up a bit on their own. Maybe a tactical withdrawal without quitting is whats necessary

 

[MO-BUSA]

stay the course and keep trying, the long distance thing has to be hard the school works gotta be hard also, lifes hard in general, hopefully u guys can work things out and meet in the middle of the road somehow..good luck

 

[skydivr]

It takes two to tango.

 

[BA BUSA]

It takes two to tango.

True, we get to hear his side but, not her side...Russell needs to have some face time. You can't have a relationship over the Internet or with a text message...wake up son.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[rubbersidedown]

All this good advice is fine but....

Here's what Rubbah would do:

If she's super hot lQQking,keep her on the side till you find someone else.

Problem solved. OK, kiddin aside.

Actually,I refuse to let anyone treat me poorly,even if it is my fault.Thats just the way I am.If she can't handle the stress of school,and needs to vent to someone,let it be her new kick toy....oops I meant new husband.

Kick her and her shi77y attitude to the curb. Maybe she'll meet a nice garbage man at the curb with a truck big enough to contain all her krap.

RSD.

 

[RussellJ]

True, we get to hear his side but, not her side...Russell needs to have some face time. You can't have a relationship over the Internet or with a text message...wake up son.
Posted via Mobile Device

I can tell you her side would be that i dont pay enough attention to her and something along the more lines of that i dont talk enough or that i dont care or something. The same garbage she tell me all the time. I think she needs to make friends to vent to but there again she wont make friends because she hates people

And yes you are correct you cannot have a relationship over the internet or phone. I know... Im learning the error of my ways and either trying to make them better or cut my losses and learn from it.

 

[Schexy1]

I may be a little bias because of my recent seperation and pending divorce but, I felt like you did a long long time ago. Honoring my vows, family values and not wainting to quit made me stick arround for almost 20 years when I shouldn't have.

She sounds like a person that sees no fault in herself. That is the kind of person I was married to, believe me it gets worse. If she takes her frustration out on you now, what will happen when she has the stress of a job, kids, home and a live in husband to deal with? You will start to say, "I know, you have a headache". As far as not wanting to drive to see you goes, sounds like she has lost some of the fire also. This make me wonder how is she going to feel about quiting a job to follow you to a new duty station.

What you do from here is on you, but I can tell you it is much easier starting over in your 20s rather than your 30s or 40s especialy once kids enter the picture.

 

[RussellJ]

All this good advice is fine but....

Here's what Rubbah would do:

If she's super hot lQQking,keep her on the side till you find someone else.

Problem solved. OK, kiddin aside.

Actually,I refuse to let anyone treat me poorly,even if it is my fault.Thats just the way I am.If she can't handle the stress of school,and needs to vent to someone,let it be her new kick toy....oops I meant new husband.

Kick her and her shi77y attitude to the curb. Maybe she'll meet a nice garbage man at the curb with a truck big enough to contain all her krap.

RSD.

Yeah i have never let anyone treat me poorly that i could help. I do admit when i am at fault in all circumstances of note. She is the first I have ever let do that and that was my mistake to not nip it in the bud. It will be corrected.

I appreciate all the input and it has all been well received. Time will tell what happens...

 

[Dozerdriver]

I may be a little bias because of my recent seperation and pending divorce but, I felt like you did a long long time ago. Honoring my vows, family values and not wainting to quit made me stick arround for almost 20 years when I shouldn't have.

She sounds like a person that sees no fault in herself. That is the kind of person I was married to, believe me it gets worse. If she takes her frustration out on you now, what will happen when she has the stress of a job, kids, home and a live in husband to deal with? You will start to say, "I know, you have a headache". As far as not wanting to drive to see you goes, sounds like she has lost some of the fire also. This make me wonder how is she going to feel about quiting a job to follow you to a new duty station.

What you do from here is on you, but I can tell you it is much easier starting over in your 20s rather than your 30s or 40s especialy once kids enter the picture.

I like this... Don't get her pregnant until a couple years of a great marriage...then you can start all over again with the new issues

 

[BlondeOnaBusa]

Seems like you have gotten a lot of good advise so I'm not gonna add to it, I will however wish you luck in what ever you decide and know your org family is here for support.